A for Accountability Factor

When someone looked at my face and shot this simple line, -"Dude, the only problem you have is the Lack of Accountability Factor, find one....soon and watch the inevitable miracle happen", it took me some time to actually realize..."Woah...shit!! EXACTLY! "

Seems right....Accountability factor!!

I do not feel responsible for anyone, responsible for anything, responsible towards anything! Lack of responsibility is different from this thing.

Slogging at work for 12 hours or sleeping for the rest of the 12 hours does not make me a responsible guy, neither does it make me irresponsible.

Its the basic rule of addiction towards the feeling of - "I ain't have any bitch to answer to"

Now, is having a bitch around the only thing that matters? Nope! 24 years of life is enough to prove it. Laughing inside even while wishing your bench-mate "Happy married Life" is the dirtiest thing to do to yourself!

Why do I skip weddings? It's The Theory of Relativity - "Do not be at a place you can't relate to". That would eventually mean I don't exist.

What am I talking about? "Naaah....simple plain answer"! = "Screw it. Does it even matter?"

I am now confused whether the "question mark should come before the quotes or after? - perhaps the most important question in my life at this moment.

You don't have to be drunk to write this or drunk to understand this. You just got to be Accountable to someone.....

Its been months I've scribbled anything down....These are just the random strokes coming from the nib of an unused fountain pen....or a long-lost fountain pen...

I missed you daahling....my mind...my eyes.....which showed me a world others cant see....my words....my bitch!

A letter to me from......

When you run through this blog thing of your's, 95 % of it is dominated by pessimism and negativity. From the titles to the contents, it seems as if your life was washed in a washing machine made of stainless sorrows, dried in a drier full of dissatisfaction, folded and kept into a shelf built with self pity. Maybe it's just because the so called creativity gets transferred from me to you, only when I'm disturbed by you, or you are disturbed by things around you. Or maybe because your outlook towards life generally sucks.

Perhaps it's time to change, in fact high time you change. You shouldn't be discouraged by your history of not succeeding to change. Ironically, you have changed too many times that every alternate change cancelled out its predecessor.

You have forgotten the fact that you used to be funny. You have forgotten the fact that you used to read, draw, sing, play. You have forgotten the fact that you used to be happy. You have forgotten to live. Chained down by never ending tales of cynicism, you forgot what you were. You forgot that you were inadvertently hurting me. You failed to look at those little blessings you've always had around you. You had just gone blind, cocooning me within your failures. You forgot I ever existed.

Your failures were not a result of bad luck. They were just the inevitable consequences of procrastination and laziness. If you are what you are now, it is just the aftermath of 24 years of sloth and slumber.

Boy! Wake up. Wake up before its too late. Isn't it already starting to fall into the category of "too late"? Never be late, for it eventually turns into "never".

Yes, getting back on track will be difficult. Years of low or no confidence and decades of laziness is not a weak enemy. It is the mightiest foe you will ever face. Fight. Fight till you bleed. Fight till they die.

I don't want your change to be overnight. Take your time, but start Now. Now is spelt as N--O--W. Make sure you don't miss out the 'W' in the end.

Stop looking at what you don't have. Stop looking at what you lost. Start thinking about what you can. Start feeling the things you have. You are not as bad as you think. I am not as bad as you think. I know lecture is like a kick; good when you give it, not-so-good when you get it.

So, I'll wrap up for now. My point is simple. Start believing, start living, and obviously start smiling.

With love,

your long lost MIND.

For all those....

For all those days I wasn't me;

Those days I wished, it wasn't me.

For all those days I slept;

Those days I wished I had wept.

For all those days I thought I was something;

Those days I wished I was something.

For all those days when I gained nothing;

Those days when they said, "You are nothing".

For all those days that were dark;

Those days I wished weren't blank.

For all those people I thought I loved;

Those people I wished, I loved.

For all those visions I thought were true;

Those dreams I wished would come through.

For all those things in life I miss,

Those things in life I would miss...

One last word before I part...

SORRY.

As the ink flows through the nib, etching these words with the tip;

I lay bleeding, bleeding to death.

Waiting for those days....

Those days in heaven and those in hell.

The bubble of hope that popped

Being aimless was my passion. Being pointless was my style. I never had reasons to stand up to myself and say - "I believe".

Skills, luck, effort and vision - I'm unsure as to which of these I had and which, I lacked.

Out of the blue, I thought I had a dream, a sense of direction. A dream I wished to translate into reality. I find it hard to gauge my effort towards the endeavor. I worked or I din't; I tried or I din't.

Conviction and confidence had never stood beside me for a time span of more than 30 seconds, so far in life. When I thought I finally had a share of those, I guess I got the time-span wrong...AGAIN!

Maybe I lacked the thing I thought I had, the very same thing they were looking for. Maybe there was never a vision. Maybe it was yet another accident, which I assumed was the truth, or even destiny. Strange as it seems, I fear the word destiny now. Accidents never take you to your destiny, they never do.

I feel I couldn't have done better. The very next moment I feel I did nothing compared to what I actually should have. If it was my best that I gave, I'm told - "There's something else in store for you". The very same statement I have forced into my life so much that these words seem to loom around my ears, ringing louder and louder as years pass by.

The intuition that I any way wouldn't have belonged there, could have been a discharge from my brain to immunize me against the forthcoming shock; a blanket of protection, a jacket of fake optimism to save me from the jolt.

Optimism is a fool's excuse to run away from reality. Cynicism is the best form of optimism. It makes you believe in the worst and prepare you for the eternal series of failures.

Right now, I'm questioning my instincts and decisions like never before - each and every one of them. I fear I'm falling back into the dark abyss which always kept me blinded.

This moment of misery shall be weakened by a worser misery.

I'm waiting...........

An incomplete effort...

A few months back, I was among hundreds of recipients of a mail which said : "Contribute to your College Magazine. Even Alumni can contribute!" The word 'Alumni' and 'Alien' often sound similar to me. Yes, Alumni is a term to alienate people from their ex-institutions. A reminder that you no longer belong.

Coming to the point – I started writing something the next day, sat for sometime and wrote just some-things. But the document lay on my desktop, incomplete and irrelevant. Today, as I was deleting unused files from my hard disk, I chanced upon this long forgotten doc file. Why didn't I make an effort to complete it? Why didn't I try to send it to them? I am usually very good with questions, but not answers!

It’s a Mad Mad World out HERE

-------------------------------------

Yes, the title says "here", because I now stand on the other side of the gate. The gate that separates the one’s reading this and me.

I don’t miss college. But let’s just set aside my inherent lack of emotions, because it’s of least importance. I don’t miss the canteen, the classes, the assignments. I do not know what I miss. Yet, I know I miss something. Probably, a PG course still remains to fill me in with "college life". But, trust me, you’ll hardly have time to sit down and even think of the fact that life is not the same any more! You will just get to know that there’s no going back!

Interestingly there is something that has stayed on for so long, other than memories and Hormese sir. The assignments; the assignment you just wrote was first scripted years back by the genius of a genius. All what we have been doing is “zimblee copy”. I can see those hard-working, endeavouring, 'self-scripting' students disagreeing with the above statement. We all hate to admit! True! Those assignments which have been the ancestral properties inherited from previous generations.

Have fun. Do not ask me to define fun. The very effort of defining it mitigates the pleasure it imparts. So enjoy, bunk classes, cook up reasons for a strike, plead guilty for attendance or the lack of it, drool over those good looking young guest lecturers ( if there are any), beg for sessionals. Do things that would make you laugh at yourself, not now but in the later stages of your life!

I do see chances of this write-up being rejected by staff members’ if they have the right to do so; for professing malignant thoughts. Pardon me Teachers...my intentions are purely 'Motivational'.

Things written above might have been yet another version of those "I-know-it–coz-I’ve-heard-of-it- a-million-times." It takes time to mean it, when you say it. A few years from where you are now, you will mean it when you say it.

[f] Facehook?

A's Facebook profile says "My sister's wedding"

B's comment to it "Best wishes to her. So that was why your house looked all bright n decorated"

Irony: A and B are next door neighbours.

As exaggerated as it would seem, it's not a much distant reality.

People are glued to the computer, busy harvesting farms, growing cattle, raging mafia battles and even trying to find out who FB thinks is your best friend or your to-be-lover. All hail FB!!!

Weddings announced through FB. Engagements announced through FB. Revenge taken through FB. Relations kept up [or efforts to show that relations are being kept up] through FB. A strange sense of courage FB has given people: Relationship statuses are thrown out into the so called social network. What you can’t muster the courage to do otherwise, resort to FB. EasY!! It’s about perspective as always. Looking at the better and brighter side of Social Networking could make us smile. Make us smile because we are in touch with people... without even an effort!

What Facebook did to Orkut is more or less similar to what Colour TV did to Black n White TV. Orkut might be on its way to extinction. But since we humans are too smart to stick on to something for too long, FB too shall hit the dust some day. Those shall be the days of something more inspiring than the then-expired FB.

With all the population "living the life" on FB, its just a perplexing choice to pick up from:

A) People who are miles apart, FB brings them close together.

B) People who are close together, FB takes them miles apart.

I don't want to choose!

Season II

Airports and railway stations are strange places to be at. A lot of tears, hopes and dreams float around you in an invisible blanket. Exactly one year ago, I posted something similar about departures. Well now...its Season II. Four or five years back, I din’t know I would be at the airport waving at these half-smiling/trying-to-smile faces. Four or five years from now...I know not what! Probably, the beauty of life!

At this point of time, what is it that I should think about?The fact that I am still stuck up at the same place, in front of the same PC wearing the same t-shirt as I type all this?The fact that people around you have just............... left? Or the fact that I’m still on this side of goodbyes? I do not know.

But perhaps... it feels worse being on the other side of goodbyes.

Dilemma without choices

Dividing dilemma into chapters.

Chapter 1: Profession

Short term uneasiness leads to lack of endurance. Lack of endurance leads to hastiness. Hastiness leads to mistakes. Mistakes lead to consequences. Consequences lead to remorse. Remorse takes you nowhere. It is supposed to be the light that shows you the path forward. But it is interesting to think about the fact that you can be blinded by darkness as well as too much of light. Remorse now, is too much of light for me. Lack of clarity in thought and actions is a result of this blindness. Escapism is another matter of concern. The very fact that I did something I used to scoff is worthy of self-victimization. A small step taken is a big step thought. It counts as a negative thought though. I don’t want to think about the fact that the choice was a risk. I am questioning my judgement, my reasons and my instincts. Optimism however is trying to prove its worth. Errors are always good at the point of birth rather than at the point of growth or even death. Optimism!!!

Chapter 2: Future

I lack a perspective, a vision, a goal. I don’t even have a dream. What exactly is it that I want? Comparison is useless when it comes to destiny. Fate is supposed to be the road to destiny. I don't believe in fate. That doesn't erase my destiny. Questions are the easiest; answers aren’t! Giving an answer is more important than finding an answer. A break is not a good sign I guess. Future is inevitably the present visualisation of the past. To figure out what you are good or bad at, demands trying something out. Swimming can’t be learned on dry sand. It’s a choice that I should make: to have a choice or not to have a choice.

Chapter 3: Friendship

I always wanted to be proud. But ego has overtaken pride. I can’t pick a name. My name can’t be picked. Am I the reason? It’s a shame for sure. Or is it? Believing to be faithful isn’t enough. Thinking of helping doesn’t help. I am not what I think I really am. I don’t help. I don’t care. But I expect to be cared. I want to top. I want to lead. I want to be numero uno. I will never. Shame!! I am competitive at the wrong place. But just like any other competition, I don’t win.

Chapter 4: Emotion

You can’t buy love, you can’t force love. It’s easy to love, not to be loved. You can’t always get what you want. Finding out all the reasons in the world to justify your love or the lack of it doesn't fetch you any good. I do not know to define love. Maybe I don’t know what it is. I know something is unattainable. It makes me sick; only because of the reasons for it being unattainable. I am jealous. I pretend to be happy. I pity myself. The fact that I have better things to be worried about doesn’t make me feel any better.

Chapter 5: Self respect

Counting the number of “I’s” and related words throws light on the magnitude of my self importance. It is supposed to be a positive vibe of inspiration. But it is not anymore. I look at my self to see what I lack in all the above said “chapters”. Pathetic!

I want to cry...I want to scream...I want to laugh out loud...I want to love...I want to be loved...I want to hate...I want to be hated...I want to win...I want to repent...I want to sing...I want to run...I want to live!

Ironically, I will always be me!!

I seriously can't think of a Title....

An intriguing species we are. Our dreams never stop at just a car, an apartment, lot of savings, a great life partner, sweet kids and their kids or even peaceful death. Do we even know how long we will live?? We don’t! However long we live, our life and death will always be separated by a single second. Still, we dream. Yes! dreams are supposed to drive us forward... forward into the realms of uncertainty. There’s something we do more than dreaming...complaining. Unemployment, relationship failures, financial crisis, lack of luxury and what not?? We don’t understand the importance of whatever we have... we never do. We love to look at what we lack. Life is short, enjoy every moment are all too much of a cliché for us. When will we learn?? Maybe we are not supposed to. Maybe it has become a part of our lives.

Interestingly, even I can’t stop complaining, and maybe I never would. My sorrows are the deepest for me; my problems are the biggest for me. I might be complaining about my job or the lack of it; while a few kilometers from here, someone must have lost their parents. I might stop and think about my frivolity for a day or so; and then come back to my life...life filled with complaints. Maybe that’s what reminds me that I’m still human. We surely are intriguing!!!

Relationship Expert

Yes, a relationship expert - that’s what I have been. To elaborate, I mean to say that I have been someone with difficulties in creating, sustaining, coping with/not coping with and slaying relationships. For the difficulties in creating and sustaining, I used to blame myself; while for the difficulties in slaying them, I have always been blaming the people on the other side. But, I was wrong. I was responsible for killing them as well. It took a while though for this realization to daunt on me.

Of all the relations I’ve had so far in my life, none were initiated by me. Call it futility, lack of skill or a low sociability factor. It was simply difficult for me to kick start. I considered it my nature and still do so. How does it matter anyway? A relationship simply means a state of connectedness between peopleand it has nothing to do with who started off and who did not. It’s all about maintaining the so called connectedness.

Coming to the sustaining part, again the "people on the other side" did most of the job. What the hell do I do then?? I kill them. How??.... simple! Just by being me.

What my mind kept telling me till now was something like this.

"You know you are reserved, very choosy when it comes to friends, quality conscious and not quantity conscious. So you expect your choices to be utmost right. But you have failed miserably quite a few times or even more. What does that imply? Does it imply that your choices were wrong? Or does it imply that there is actually something wrong with YOU and only YOU? You expect the chosen people to understand you in and out, to behave accordingly, to love you for what you are and for what all you are not. The people who walk out of your life making you feel like a loser are losers themselves coz they don’t realize that they were the ones who were wrong and not you. You have always given the relations utmost priority and importance making sure that you adjust to the core, trying to understand and accept them as they are; providing them with strength, support and above all, love. Those people were selfish enough to use you for all what you were good at and then chuck you out coz you were no more useful; walking away towards greener pastures coz you weren’t green enough anymore. You are good, great and whatever you are... you are what you are. Whoever walks out, stick out your middle finger coz that’s all that they deserve. You will have your real friends around, the ones who love you without yardsticks, without reasons, without expectations. They will be with you…forever!"

Now... all of that is rubbish!! Absolute bullshit. I want to tell my mind what the truth is:

"You fuckin freakin idiot!! Realize this truth - that all what you think is wrong. I believe what you ask me to believe, not what I should actually believe. But now, you have to start believing the truth. I have been quality conscious -Agreed! I have been very choosy- Agreed! I've failed miserably - Agreed! It simply implies that I was wrong, not my choices. I expect people to understand me without letting out anything. I expect people to accept me however intolerable I am. People walked out, not because they were losers, but because I am a loser. I have never given the relations priority, I've never tried to understand them to the core, I ‘ve never adjusted for them. I’ve only wanted to adjust things around me for me. It has always been me, who walked towards greener pastures. It was me who chucked them out after use. I am irrationally possessive and illogically selfish and I can only stand by and watch people walk off, coz its me who made them walk off. I have always complained that people around me change... so much. But it was never them... it was me! And if they had changed, they did so coz I had. I will never let people stay coz I can repel them, with my words, my thoughts and eventually my actions. I’ve always wanted to take revenge for ending up as big loser, by showing them that I am with the REAL people! But, I will always be waiting for those people who are never going to come, who are never going to stay. Simply coz I don’t deserve. And of all the things you think about me, I am not what you think I am”

Hope my mind understands and realizes the truths. Afterall, its all about "give and take".