Friendzz

I've never been good at making friends easily. I usually take a "lot of days" to get close to any"one". But today, something different happened. The reverse...the exact reverse!! I made a "lot of friends" in just "one day". Judie, Pretty, Dixon, Mili, Biscuit, Misty and Britney, to name a few. Their ability to make you fall for them, the depth of their affection, the truth in their love.... Hats off!!! Just wondering how shallow and superficial we humans are.

I should probably drop a note for someone other than the ones mentioned above for making me realize some small stuff...Love ya girl!!!

Close encounters of the "which" kind??

I always knew that human race was so full of diversity. Each and every man out there including you, me and all of us are so much diverse...so full of variety. There are some people who actually surprise you... just because they are what they are...............Humans!!

The bracketed stuff are the lines that went through my mind (ONLY MY MIND)... can't even think of letting them out aloud at that time.

Excerpts:

Me: Good morning sir! May I help you?

Him: What are the offers??

Me: Pardon?

Him: The offers you are giving

Me: Shall we sit and talk sir? This way please...

Him: Tell me the offers first. Then we will sit and talk

Me: Sir... the offers vary from car to car

Him: The other dealer offered me all accessories free

Me: Which car are you planning sir?

Him: That is not the concern

Me: ((alright... I’ll give you four wheel cups and a set of seat covers. Wear the seat covers on your head, fix the wheel cup on your butt. After all.. what you need is accessories and not a car right??)) But sir... at least you must have some car in mind

Him: I am going to the other dealer!! Bye!!

ME: (silent) !!

Me: Good afternoon sir! May I help you?

Him: Who is your sales manager?

Me: Mr.X

Him: I want to meet him now

Me: Sure sir... but can I be of any help to you?

Him: No!! I wanted a car

Me: Sure sir... thats why WE (or I ) are here for

Him: I don’t talk to small people in any organisation. I always deal with only the heads

Me: Third cabin from the left sir

Me: Good evening sir! May I help you?

Him: I will complain to Maruti

ME: Errr...sir...what is the matter?

Him: I don’t have to explain anything to you. I’ll complain straight to Maruti

ME: But sir... we will help you. What is the matter?

Him: I am going to Maruti straight away

Me: ((err... to Gurgaon??)) But sir...

Him: Don’t utter a word. I’m leaving ( and walks off)

Me: ((then why the hell did you come here? Catch a flight... go to Gurgaon)) But sir...

Me: Good afternoon ma’am! May I help you?

Her: Where is Mr.Y (Administration Manager) ?

Me: Ma’am, he just left for lunch. How can “I” help you?

Her: Do you think you can help me with something the administration manager can do?

Me: Ma’am?? I was just....

Her: Don’t repeat something like this!!

Me: Errr... sorry ma’am (( but why the hell am I sorry??))

Her: Connect me to him... NOW!

Me: Just a minute ma’am...

Me: Good morning sir! May I help you?

Him: I want a vehicle!

Me: Sure sir... please be seated. ( I talk for half an hour... giving him all the stuff about all the cars available)

Him: (after listening patiently and silently and walking around seeing all the cars displayed) Well... I actually wanted a motorcycle

Me: Pardon??

Him: TWO WHEELER!!

Me: (silent)

Well... lifes interesting this way atleast!!

Some random figments of shit

I have always been erratic and ludicrous... emotionally, mentally, psychologically.

I have always:

claimed to be strong...... but have actually been one among the weakest

claimed to be rational.... have been irresolute majority of the times

claimed to be a coward.. have been quite courageous when I should have been

claimed to be frank........ but always been dubious about my words

claimed to be caring....... have always been callous

claimed to have the ability to judge people... been an absolute duffer at it

claimed to be a fucker... have mostly been an asshole

I fear the future... probably because of my past.... but still like to call myself an optimist

I like to call myself an optimist.... but rather stick to being a cynic

I have never been able to tell people how I feel... even when I was supposed to do it... i haven't done it...and because of this, I have lost - things... relations... people... even my SELF at times, probably due to my character (or the lack of it). I don’t know how to behave... how to talk how to just be myself!!

I just hate to realize that things change... i just hate to realize that some things never change.

I hate to realize that there are things you cant undo... things you cant re-do.

I hate to realize that there are some things you can't choose... to realize that you can also choose what you want!! I don't make sense to myself...

I don’t know why i'm talking like this... just another piece of shit...(read as "my mind")

Maybe just the way I have always been.

Platoon-de-Office

Thought of just listing down some stuff about the people (selected ones... yet to study the rest) around me... at The "office"!! I’ll just keep the names to short forms and nicknames... well... security reasons i say!!

Whom to start with??? Hmmm.... Alright will go alphabetically...

Achs : the only "girl" around... specs...lots of lipstick and hair with a tinge of brown. Well... not very appealing to the eyes as the words sound! Still, worth a time pass. Her major hobby is something like flirting (read romancing) with her Bf, who happens to be another character whose name will come up as you read further. Btw, this romance goes on through the intercom... mind it!!! The intercom!! Her ringtone... "Dil kho gaya... ho gaya... kisi ka..." Imagine having to hear this for a thousand times a day (all calls from the so called bf, calling from across the room). These chats are apart from that on the intercom. OOOFF... I don’t understand "romance"!!!!

Ajt : Maaa’aan... the REBEL... 6 feet 1 inch... 110 kgs minimum. Attitude !!! Attitude n Attitude... so much of attitude that you feel like giving him one tight slap each time you see him. So rude, unpolished, loud and commanding! Gives no damn! Doesn't care a heck about anyone...not even his seniors! He has his own rules, his own theories, his own ways... yeah... the TRUE rebel!!

Akosotho : 5 feet 2 inches, quite dark, has a tummy in such a way that I doubt he needs to look at the mirror if he needs to see his "thing". Self proclaimed leader cum guide cum head of the poor me. Nagging, unnecessarily authoritative, boringly boring. Takes 10 minutes to tell me something that shouldn't take 20 seconds. Sheer truth, no exaggeration... That’s the time ratio!!! I sometimes feel this guy is actually a bit... you know......

AnP : Haven't seen a guy so lean. One day when he sat on the driver’s seat of a Toyota Innova, the voice-over didn't actually tell him to put on the seat belt... seems it needs at least a detectable amount of weight on the driver's seat to voice an advice. Basically a soft guy, a victim of a lot of bad luck around him all the time... has a strange affinity towards unfortunate incidents!!

Jnto : One cool guy!! Knows hell lot about cars!! and has a funky humour sense... fun to be around him... just need to be with him for a minute to re-liven the sunken spirit!!

Girma’am : the only lady in the vicinity who looks and IS sensible, you know..the respectable type. There's some class to this lady, some refined touch. Glad I won’t lose touch with that kinda humans!!

ManK : well…always questions me why don’t I do this?? why DIN'T I do this?? why can't I do this?? when they must be things I have already done or the ones i would be doing then. Well...seniority...agreed!!!

Saj : the Ingleesh Guy!! Why do people try to show off what they are not good at?? I just don’t understand. What he spits is nothing close to English (alright, this is not something like I'm THE omnipotent in English language, but... he’s unbearable!!) Why can't he talk in simple language?? There is nothing like seniors shouldn't use their mother tongue as the mode of communication. Adamant...Maybe!!

SajAb : the narcissist. Is a gifted guy, still... he feels he is more than he actually is. Has one problem. Lifts stuff from movies, calls them his own quotes. Well... does he really think no other humans watch movies?? I donno… maybe coz I’m new to the premises!! Talks of everyone being ONE TEAM and the next moment says "the people in my team-X , Y n Z are perfect, I want all other "teams" to be as good as mine team. After one minute... "There should be only one team". ONE TEAM!! Yeah...rite!!

Security uncle's : One set of people i really feel sad about... Must be having a really terrible time alone at night and all... quite old age inflicted, a few are... I try as much as i can to help them and trouble them as minimum as possible... seriously poor men...I'm at least privileged than them!!

Slmsr : the perfect example of a big BOSS. Doesn't talk to subordinates, doesn't talk AT ALL. If at all he needs to, just gives out a sound like having constipation (Glorified constipation I mean), a heavy Hmmm… thats all he can deliver... Professionalism?? Maybe!!

Tmon : ahaa…the Lover boy… Achs' BF… gulf returned. Gold bracelet, gold watch, silk shirts mostly, but wears the same jean(s) everyday(well...yeah!!) . Attitude of "I don’t need this job to fill my pocket... er... wallet!! Very possessive about Achs... Doesn't like her laughing at my jokes... Arre... i don't intend any kind of flirting... just part of my humour sense ( Heeeheee!!)

Well... the entire thing might sound as if I am like one cool, smart, intelligent freak mocking every one around me. I was just being observant... Men notice flaws first right??

Bruised

After driving around in the daft traffic for a long time, taking half n hour to cover something that would have taken no more than 3 minutes... I was totally messed up. And I mean Messed Up!! I waited at the traffic block (read “police controlled” traffic island) for a looong time... n then when my turn came, I took the car forward and from nowhere, one asshole on a Honda Activa overtakes from my left , takes a sharp cut to the right, and I see suddenly see this fucker waiting to be hit by my car. I screech my vehicle to a sudden halt. And I hear a loud bang. Oh yes... an auto rickshaw had comfortably rammed onto the rear of my car. All the world looking... including the police idiot... the Activa guy drives off coolly... Result?? My all new car has a biigg scratch, a bent and a dent on the rear pane. I am totally totally fucked up!! I’ve never had any accidents so far... I’ve never rammed my car onto any others. Even while I had been learning to drive, I had only managed to brush the sides of the car onto the walls of my cramped lane... that was all what I had managed in 3 whole years, even with my old omni. BUT dis.......... coz of no fault of mine... my new car... my all new car.... the sexy, sweet, all royal n regal babe... now sports a scratch. HOLY CRAP!!! HOLY SHIT!!! MY GODD!!! A scratch??? FUCK THAT CRAZY ASSHOLE!!!!!!!!! My mood is totally like shit... I’m swearing like hell inside (obviously not loud coz I have my mom next to me). I was out with her to buy clothes for some charity purpose... to be handed out to some institution... and that was where we were going. Aaaaaaaarggghhhhhhhhh!!!!! Fuck that asshole.. fuck fuck n fuck him... over and over from the front and the rear!!! Aaaaaaaarrrrrrrrggggggghhhh!!!!!!!

I don’t see the road or any other vehicles till we reach our destination...just driving blinded. Oh yes... I can be really crazzzy.

We reach the so called place... "Asha Bhavan", a government run institution for the rehabilitation of women. I dint go inside. Just took out all the bundles of those new clothes, kept it at the doorstep and just waited near “my car”.

Mom goes inside, talks to the authorities there... completes some formalities... hands over the clothes... and apparently goes inside...away from my view. Now... this place has an entire long balcony like veranda with grills. I look up for a moment. I see women... old n a few young... some very young... gripping the grill... resting their heads onto the metal frames... looking...in fact staring at me. Imagine about 20 odd women... staring at you from all directions from behind something that looks like a jail. They might be looking at some guy of their son’s age... brother's age... their age.

They might be missing someone... something... I do not know!

I feel so weird that I turn and walk to a distance where I cant see them and they cant see me. I had to wait for quite some time... Mom comes back and we drive back home. I dint give even a last look at that place.

On the way, mom tells me about the people there. 60 odd women inmates... discarded by their loved ones... or "family members" to be precise. Some are mentally retarded... some perfectly healthy but neglected by family due to some reason no one can explain. Few are victims of rape a few, of violence.

One woman was raped by her father in law... became pregnant.. and the kid she gave birth to was probably taken away(or even killed) from her even without her catching even a glimpse of her baby. She lost her mental balance and eventually reached this place after treatment with no one to take her back. Another woman was a teacher at a government school. She showed some signs of mental imbalance... all people including her husband ditched her. Another rape victim about whom I don’t wish to explain. A Brahmin woman kicked out of home coz she grew too old for her children. Loads of other women.. loads...each with their own stories. Mom obviously dint wait to hear all the stories.. she almost ran out... can't blame her!

They were once mothers who did everything for their kids... the very same kids who threw them out... for whatever tosh reason they give to justify themselves. All those women there, were bruised... eternally hurt and carried scathed minds n thoughts. Thinking of the lives they have ended up with. Yet... none of their faces seemed sad... in agony... in anger or in despair... all were calm... silent.

On the other side... I stood... swearing, spitting fire for just a scratch on the rear side of my car. How silly do I feel?? How trivial?? How inexistent does my pain and anger seem??

A very strange road to realisation.

Culpable.... I am.

Even as I type this, I am still unsure whether I should be doing this... I am forced to think of why I need to do this… and... I don’t have an answer... if you are reading this; please pardon me if I’m hurting you again.

I should take myself back to my 6th grade… there was this girl with whom I used to fight, quarrel, shout and scream and in return she used to fight, quarrel, shout, scream, pinch, kick and poke (with a compass) me back. We couldn’t stay a moment without all that... We despised each other so much. N since we were “grown ups” capable of “emotional thinking”, “understanding” and “mature behaviour” at the age of 11… we forgot everything as soon as the school closed for vacation.

I din’t see her much for a few years. Time passed and we are brought back together into the same class in 11^th. I do not remember what happened in those few months… we were good friends by 12^th. And I do not remember what happened in the next few months… we were best friends. She wrote something like this in my autograph book:

You:

“Are a person who loves, but pretends to hate;

Are a person who cares, but pretends to be indifferent;

Have a heart that is dead to human emotions n passions;”

“You keep confessing that you can’t express love and care and stuff...unless you try... you can do nothing. Just try to show that you care... Naaaa… rudeness, arrogance and indifference are your surnames... Don’t change!”

We ended up in the same college as well. So, four years of college obviously made the bond the strongest...the strongest I ever had… the strongest that ever stayed…

Somewhere along the line, something happened. We were not talking to each other like we used to. We were not us. We din’t have any fights. We were just busy with each others stuff. Just busy!

Sometime in between she remarked

“I always had you around; always there when I needed you. You were with me all through; from the time I was 16 up till the recent past. You were first in my heart always, and whenever I counted my blessings, I used to count you twice.
You weren’t the kind to lavish me with affection or hang around with me sharing laughter. I needed your friendship. I was emotionally dependent on you. Totally! You helped me survive. And I wished and wished for years that I too could be of some use to you; just as you were to me. I was extremely possessive of you, thinking I knew you better than anyone else…
We were together for so long;”

The evening before she was to leave, we met at some place. Both of us and a few others. We sat there for sometime and then we parted. We dint even shake hands. She just ran off.

That night, I got a msg from her. “You have helped me a lot so far. But today, you just went over the edge. I had been debating whether to msg you or not; and I am. If I don’t say dis now, I will regret it forever. Did you have to spoil the last? You couldn’t have given me one last good memory. Until today, I regretted going away from u. but not anymore. You actually helped me wipe out my regret! Thanks a lot for all of it. All the help and all the shit!”

That was the first time in these years, she talked like that. I called her. She said “Please, I don’t want a fight before I leave… you just need to know that whatever you said sitting there hurt me to the limit……”

She left. After about 2 weeks she agrees to talk. And we talk for about an hour. Finally she says

“Please don’t think all this is happening just coz you said something that day; that was only the last straw on the heap that I had been accumulating for all these years. For all these years, you were hurting me with your words, your deeds, your actions, your lack of love, your lack of emotions. You kept on hurting me. You do not know how much I’ve cried for you, how much I’ve cried because of you. I was just being silent. All these years, I was just maintaining my dignity, my class by staying quiet. Not anymore. Never ever attempt to talk to me. Just leave me alone. I don’t want to live in perpetual terror of getting your call. Goodbye!”

All throughout I’ve said only what she had quoted. Not what I said, not what I did. All I know is that I have been the same for all these years… rude, arrogant, full of sarcasm, impassive, without any kind of love and affection. All I now know is that I killed the relation. I was never worthy of her, never deserved to be around her. But, she was all that I ever had; all that I was ever proud of; all that I felt was mine... All that I should never have had!

<< Rewind <<

Just thought of setting the rewind mode... I had left this blog last October. So, a list of things I "would have" updated. Will try to keep it as brief as possible.

Oct 12 : new phone.. MOTO W388… a bit economic for its features even with its once in a while glitches. Very much a part of my life now... in a lotta ways!

Oct 17 : one of my school mates left this world.

Oct 20 : got my pc upgraded. Till date, my pc has gone widout ANY kinda trouble .. the longest stretch of time its been hassle free since I bought it back in 2002. So... happy about that!

Oct 26 : Mumbai attack!! Nothing more to add bout it...

Dec 18 : night out at subi’s place... my first “combined study” effort overnight! Totally went berserk after that... I was not used to staying up beyond 12 at night for studying and so 2 o'clock was torture. Woke up sometime close to 4... skipped breakfast... slept away in the exam hall... biological balance lost by noon!

Dec 22 : had the first official “projct discussion”. The project episode needs an entire post... so will deal with it later.

Jan 09 : CAT results out... ofcourse I had nothing to do with it... but found misery around me. Prompting the majority to “REPEAT” as they call it!

Jan 15 : my first placement drive GREAVES COTTON…y not anything before? Another long story... Anyways, cleared the test and GD. Wasn’t so very lucky with the interview... those oldies dint take anyone from our college. What a shame! I know!

Feb 03 : first day of practice session as a part of the college Basketball team... me n BB?? Well... I really shouldn’t be saying anything more, other than that I owe a real lot to 2 guys - maadan n subi... coz I actually never deserved to be a part of a team at that level. If at all I did deliver atleast half of what I was xpcectd to... its all due to those guys! Thanks a lot champs!

Mar 17 : college football tournament semi-final. We had been the runners up in first year, Winners the second year, n runners up again in da third year. But then we were pathetically defeated in the semi final this time around. Thanks to injured team mates and an offside goal for them which killed us. Followed by a bit of lack lustre commotion... blah blah... wouldn’t want to be reminded!!

Mar 26 : RAGAM... was hell of an experience in all senses... Though we won a second place for some adult competition(read pot pourri), I conveniently missed shankar mahadevan show... thanks to the uncrowned prince of kozhikode - Chaathan! That ass broke his arm... n I was at the hospital 30 kms away from NIT... fate!! He claims to know each nook and corner of Calicut, n made us walk 3 km's to NIT early morning with our bags coz we got down at the wrong bus stop. For all the shit he took us through, he gave us a treat at an Elite restaurant( he says so). For that reason, i stop!

May 05 : aha... new I-10. Felt very awkward upgrading from my buddy -Omni. Still miss my omni at times.

May 08 : Supposedly the last official working day of college for us, final years.

June 05 : "course viva" as it is called! This thing here also deserves one whole post!

June 12 : jacu left for ahmedabad.

June 17 : gow left for nagpur.

June 21 : Ran out of a "Posh" restaurant conveniently without telling the people there, who took time to arrange the tables for the big group. Actually, the host thought she was short of money only to later realise that money was all what she had.. Too late to have avoided the embarassement!!

June 22 : anji left for ghaziabad.

June 23 to 25 : movie marathon. saw 3 movies in 3 days... passenger, new york n wolverine. Also, Terminator IV after 2 days.

July 20 : a lil trip to a lakeside with school buddies after a really long time.

July 24 : Chennai!! Dropped sis at NIFT.. came back with heavy realisations!!

Aug 02: maadan left for chennai.

Aug 07: jme left for mysore.

Thats pretty much of it, i suppose..atleast what i can remember and can make public :-D

Departure(s)

This has been a season of departures... people just leave... just like that?? Well... no! well...yes!

Jacu left first... then gow... anji followed... ammu was a shock... maadan was gone... and jme the latest!!

It isn’t important how close you are with any of them... it isn't important how much time you had spent with them... it isn’t important where they are going... it isn’t important why they are going................ it’s just important to make yourself realize... they have left!!

Telephones... internet... what not? "Aap apno se door nahin..." like the ad goes... but still...

You can talk on the phone... the other person’s voice is going to be just the same... even now the voice is going to come from the other end of the phone only... but still...

You can chat... even now the words are going to appear on the same screen only... but still...

They can come over for holidays... but still... It’s the feeling...it’s the feeling that.... "Afterall......................."

Sometimes when they are far... you realise things that you din’t, when they were right next to you... you realise how much you love them... how much you miss them... howmuch you failed to tell them that they were special.

Sometimes it’s just that you are so much used to having them around that you fail to realise their importance... you fail to realise what they mean to you... but life has strange ways of teaching you stuff... strange ways indeed!!!

It feels too weird at times that though these things make you feel bad... they are not actually bad things that are happening... the ones who left... left for good... for the best!!

Like someone said- "This too will pass......"

Yes it will... par koyi is dil ko samjha yaar... dhimaag ko toh mein sambhaal letha hoon!!!

Ahem...

Well... seems so weird to type looking at the screen after a long while. All the typing I did, had been confined to chat windows for sometime now... and so... lengthy sentences and paragraphs don’t seem like a bright idea. Still... just another starting trouble I would call it.

The "some time" lasted a whole nine months... took me some time... yeah!! some real time!! All I was capable of, was some bits of crap fiction. I never could come up with things happening around me... things happening to me... may be because my life had been so much unexciting and uneventful... or as I liked to look at it... and so I had to be content with my obtuse fiction.And then came a point of time when I just lost something along the way... something that made me feel like shit... something that made me not me... something that made me hate fiction... hate my fiction. Fiction needed SOME creativity... and creativity was all I missed... all I lacked!!

But... ironically... the past nine months have been probably the most eventful ones in my life...be it in a good sense, in a bad sense or in an ugly sense... whichever way. Those have been days which I could have and would have wrote about....... in style!!! Unfortunately that never appealed to me. I don’t know whether I’m making any kind of sense to anyone... (If at all there’s anyone sooo jobless that they are actually reading this). I am not making much sense to myself also... I just need to stop blah blah-ing!! If it’s as to why I decided to make a comeback NOW is what those jobless people are thinking of...... "OH... HELLO???... this is MY blog!! I write whenever I want... i quit whenever I want... I come back whenever I want!!!"

Sorry... was just trying to act too over-smart. Never mind... I just don’t want to delve in more into the intricacies that made me quit and that are making me come back or whatever!! Lets just keep it simple; I wish to get back to this... that’s all. And I’m doing it.

Now... the only problem is, I am not pretty sure of where to begin... n how to RE-start. I just need to gather and stack up stuff into an array first... into an organized form. That might take a while actually. But still, I’m happy I’ve made it this far... happy that I succeeded in making myself write again, atleast this much!! I took almost 84 minutes to type this much... pretty bad... I know... still.... a start's a start rite??

So... all I need is some time... to get back properly!! And I know someone is very happy to have me back here... It's none other than Me...Myself!!

Bye!

Let me put it straight. I’m quitting this BLOG thing for sometime. And how to define the extent of this “some” time??... I have absolutely No idea. A day? a week? a month? One year? ... even longer than that or maybe even shorter than a week. I don’t know.

Is it those regular mood swings that I have?? Not really...I needn’t blow up something thaaat puerile to this extent.

Reason?? ....again... no idea.

*Inability to write??

*Lack of interest and intellect??

*Lack of purpose??

*Lack of motivation and inspiration??

*Lack of creativity??

Or is it something like a Cheap Publicity Stunt??

No idea...I initially thought of deleting this blog...but thought I shouldn’t go that far and ruin the ruins.In Simple words...no more nonsense...no more deep shit...no more crap for some time. [By the way I just deleted my previous post]. Why all this?? Sorry. Don’t know.

If any more questions as to Why?? My only reply………BYE BYE!!