CALIBAN'S BLAh BLAh...

A letter to me from......

2011-08-26T01:11:00.003+05:30

When you run through this blog thing of your's, 95 % of it is dominated by pessimism and negativity. From the titles to the contents, it seems as if your life was washed in a washing machine made of stainless sorrows, dried in a drier full of dissatisfaction, folded and kept into a shelf built with self pity. Maybe it's just because the so called creativity gets transferred from me to you, only when I'm disturbed by you, or you are disturbed by things around you. Or maybe because your outlook towards life generally sucks.

Perhaps it's time to change, in fact high time you change. You shouldn't be discouraged by your history of not succeeding to change. Ironically, you have changed too many times that every alternate change cancelled out its predecessor.

You have forgotten the fact that you used to be funny. You have forgotten the fact that you used to read, draw, sing, play. You have forgotten the fact that you used to be happy. You have forgotten to live. Chained down by never ending tales of cynicism, you forgot what you were. You forgot that you were inadvertently hurting me. You failed to look at those little blessings you've always had around you. You had just gone blind, cocooning me within your failures. You forgot I ever existed.

Your failures were not a result of bad luck. They were just the inevitable consequences of procrastination and laziness. If you are what you are now, it is just the aftermath of 24 years of sloth and slumber.

Boy! Wake up. Wake up before its too late. Isn't it already starting to fall into the category of "too late"? Never be late, for it eventually turns into "never".

Yes, getting back on track will be difficult. Years of low or no confidence and decades of laziness is not a weak enemy. It is the mightiest foe you will ever face. Fight. Fight till you bleed. Fight till they die.

I don't want your change to be overnight. Take your time, but start Now. Now is spelt as N--O--W. Make sure you don't miss out the 'W' in the end.

Stop looking at what you don't have. Stop looking at what you lost. Start thinking about what you can. Start feeling the things you have. You are not as bad as you think. I am not as bad as you think. I know lecture is like a kick; good when you give it, not-so-good when you get it.

So, I'll wrap up for now. My point is simple. Start believing, start living, and obviously start smiling.

With love,

your long lost MIND.

For all those....

2011-04-08T00:27:00.004+05:30

For all those days I wasn't me;

Those days I wished, it wasn't me.

For all those days I slept;

Those days I wished I had wept.

For all those days I thought I was something;

Those days I wished I was something.

For all those days when I gained nothing;

Those days when they said, "You are nothing".

For all those days that were dark;

Those days I wished weren't blank.

For all those people I thought I loved;

Those people I wished, I loved.

For all those visions I thought were true;

Those dreams I wished would come through.

For all those things in life I miss,

Those things in life I would miss...

One last word before I part...

SORRY.

As the ink flows through the nib, etching these words with the tip;

I lay bleeding, bleeding to death.

Waiting for those days....

Those days in heaven and those in hell.

The bubble of hope that popped

2011-04-08T00:06:00.004+05:30

Being aimless was my passion. Being pointless was my style. I never had reasons to stand up to myself and say - "I believe".

Skills, luck, effort and vision - I'm unsure as to which of these I had and which, I lacked.

Out of the blue, I thought I had a dream, a sense of direction. A dream I wished to translate into reality. I find it hard to gauge my effort towards the endeavor. I worked or I din't; I tried or I din't.

Conviction and confidence had never stood beside me for a time span of more than 30 seconds, so far in life. When I thought I finally had a share of those, I guess I got the time-span wrong...AGAIN!

Maybe I lacked the thing I thought I had, the very same thing they were looking for. Maybe there was never a vision. Maybe it was yet another accident, which I assumed was the truth, or even destiny. Strange as it seems, I fear the word destiny now. Accidents never take you to your destiny, they never do.

I feel I couldn't have done better. The very next moment I feel I did nothing compared to what I actually should have. If it was my best that I gave, I'm told - "There's something else in store for you". The very same statement I have forced into my life so much that these words seem to loom around my ears, ringing louder and louder as years pass by.

The intuition that I any way wouldn't have belonged there, could have been a discharge from my brain to immunize me against the forthcoming shock; a blanket of protection, a jacket of fake optimism to save me from the jolt.

Optimism is a fool's excuse to run away from reality. Cynicism is the best form of optimism. It makes you believe in the worst and prepare you for the eternal series of failures.

Right now, I'm questioning my instincts and decisions like never before - each and every one of them. I fear I'm falling back into the dark abyss which always kept me blinded.

This moment of misery shall be weakened by a worser misery.

I'm waiting...........

An incomplete effort...

2010-12-10T14:20:00.007+05:30

A few months back, I was among hundreds of recipients of a mail which said : "Contribute to your College Magazine. Even Alumni can contribute!" The word 'Alumni' and 'Alien' often sound similar to me. Yes, Alumni is a term to alienate people from their ex-institutions. A reminder that you no longer belong.

Coming to the point – I started writing something the next day, sat for sometime and wrote just some-things. But the document lay on my desktop, incomplete and irrelevant. Today, as I was deleting unused files from my hard disk, I chanced upon this long forgotten doc file. Why didn't I make an effort to complete it? Why didn't I try to send it to them? I am usually very good with questions, but not answers!

It’s a Mad Mad World out HERE

-------------------------------------

Yes, the title says "here", because I now stand on the other side of the gate. The gate that separates the one’s reading this and me.

I don’t miss college. But let’s just set aside my inherent lack of emotions, because it’s of least importance. I don’t miss the canteen, the classes, the assignments. I do not know what I miss. Yet, I know I miss something. Probably, a PG course still remains to fill me in with "college life". But, trust me, you’ll hardly have time to sit down and even think of the fact that life is not the same any more! You will just get to know that there’s no going back!

Interestingly there is something that has stayed on for so long, other than memories and Hormese sir. The assignments; the assignment you just wrote was first scripted years back by the genius of a genius. All what we have been doing is “zimblee copy”. I can see those hard-working, endeavouring, 'self-scripting' students disagreeing with the above statement. We all hate to admit! True! Those assignments which have been the ancestral properties inherited from previous generations.

Have fun. Do not ask me to define fun. The very effort of defining it mitigates the pleasure it imparts. So enjoy, bunk classes, cook up reasons for a strike, plead guilty for attendance or the lack of it, drool over those good looking young guest lecturers ( if there are any), beg for sessionals. Do things that would make you laugh at yourself, not now but in the later stages of your life!

I do see chances of this write-up being rejected by staff members’ if they have the right to do so; for professing malignant thoughts. Pardon me Teachers...my intentions are purely 'Motivational'.

Things written above might have been yet another version of those "I-know-it–coz-I’ve-heard-of-it- a-million-times." It takes time to mean it, when you say it. A few years from where you are now, you will mean it when you say it.

[f] Facehook?

2010-09-03T14:00:00.005+05:30

A's Facebook profile says "My sister's wedding"

B's comment to it "Best wishes to her. So that was why your house looked all bright n decorated"

Irony: A and B are next door neighbours.

As exaggerated as it would seem, it's not a much distant reality.

People are glued to the computer, busy harvesting farms, growing cattle, raging mafia battles and even trying to find out who FB thinks is your best friend or your to-be-lover. All hail FB!!!

Weddings announced through FB. Engagements announced through FB. Revenge taken through FB. Relations kept up [or efforts to show that relations are being kept up] through FB. A strange sense of courage FB has given people: Relationship statuses are thrown out into the so called social network. What you can’t muster the courage to do otherwise, resort to FB. EasY!! It’s about perspective as always. Looking at the better and brighter side of Social Networking could make us smile. Make us smile because we are in touch with people... without even an effort!

What Facebook did to Orkut is more or less similar to what Colour TV did to Black n White TV. Orkut might be on its way to extinction. But since we humans are too smart to stick on to something for too long, FB too shall hit the dust some day. Those shall be the days of something more inspiring than the then-expired FB.

With all the population "living the life" on FB, its just a perplexing choice to pick up from:

A) People who are miles apart, FB brings them close together.

B) People who are close together, FB takes them miles apart.

I don't want to choose!

Season II

2010-08-11T02:41:00.005+05:30

Airports and railway stations are strange places to be at. A lot of tears, hopes and dreams float around you in an invisible blanket. Exactly one year ago, I posted something similar about departures. Well now...its Season II. Four or five years back, I din’t know I would be at the airport waving at these half-smiling/trying-to-smile faces. Four or five years from now...I know not what! Probably, the beauty of life!

At this point of time, what is it that I should think about?The fact that I am still stuck up at the same place, in front of the same PC wearing the same t-shirt as I type all this?The fact that people around you have just............... left? Or the fact that I’m still on this side of goodbyes? I do not know.

But perhaps... it feels worse being on the other side of goodbyes.

Dilemma without choices

2010-06-07T23:38:00.003+05:30

Dividing dilemma into chapters.

Chapter 1: Profession

Short term uneasiness leads to lack of endurance. Lack of endurance leads to hastiness. Hastiness leads to mistakes. Mistakes lead to consequences. Consequences lead to remorse. Remorse takes you nowhere. It is supposed to be the light that shows you the path forward. But it is interesting to think about the fact that you can be blinded by darkness as well as too much of light. Remorse now, is too much of light for me. Lack of clarity in thought and actions is a result of this blindness. Escapism is another matter of concern. The very fact that I did something I used to scoff is worthy of self-victimization. A small step taken is a big step thought. It counts as a negative thought though. I don’t want to think about the fact that the choice was a risk. I am questioning my judgement, my reasons and my instincts. Optimism however is trying to prove its worth. Errors are always good at the point of birth rather than at the point of growth or even death. Optimism!!!

Chapter 2: Future

I lack a perspective, a vision, a goal. I don’t even have a dream. What exactly is it that I want? Comparison is useless when it comes to destiny. Fate is supposed to be the road to destiny. I don't believe in fate. That doesn't erase my destiny. Questions are the easiest; answers aren’t! Giving an answer is more important than finding an answer. A break is not a good sign I guess. Future is inevitably the present visualisation of the past. To figure out what you are good or bad at, demands trying something out. Swimming can’t be learned on dry sand. It’s a choice that I should make: to have a choice or not to have a choice.

Chapter 3: Friendship

I always wanted to be proud. But ego has overtaken pride. I can’t pick a name. My name can’t be picked. Am I the reason? It’s a shame for sure. Or is it? Believing to be faithful isn’t enough. Thinking of helping doesn’t help. I am not what I think I really am. I don’t help. I don’t care. But I expect to be cared. I want to top. I want to lead. I want to be numero uno. I will never. Shame!! I am competitive at the wrong place. But just like any other competition, I don’t win.

Chapter 4: Emotion

You can’t buy love, you can’t force love. It’s easy to love, not to be loved. You can’t always get what you want. Finding out all the reasons in the world to justify your love or the lack of it doesn't fetch you any good. I do not know to define love. Maybe I don’t know what it is. I know something is unattainable. It makes me sick; only because of the reasons for it being unattainable. I am jealous. I pretend to be happy. I pity myself. The fact that I have better things to be worried about doesn’t make me feel any better.

Chapter 5: Self respect

Counting the number of “I’s” and related words throws light on the magnitude of my self importance. It is supposed to be a positive vibe of inspiration. But it is not anymore. I look at my self to see what I lack in all the above said “chapters”. Pathetic!

I want to cry...I want to scream...I want to laugh out loud...I want to love...I want to be loved...I want to hate...I want to be hated...I want to win...I want to repent...I want to sing...I want to run...I want to live!

Ironically, I will always be me!!

I seriously can't think of a Title....

2010-05-19T23:29:00.004+05:30

An intriguing species we are. Our dreams never stop at just a car, an apartment, lot of savings, a great life partner, sweet kids and their kids or even peaceful death. Do we even know how long we will live?? We don’t! However long we live, our life and death will always be separated by a single second. Still, we dream. Yes! dreams are supposed to drive us forward... forward into the realms of uncertainty. There’s something we do more than dreaming...complaining. Unemployment, relationship failures, financial crisis, lack of luxury and what not?? We don’t understand the importance of whatever we have... we never do. We love to look at what we lack. Life is short, enjoy every moment are all too much of a cliché for us. When will we learn?? Maybe we are not supposed to. Maybe it has become a part of our lives.

Interestingly, even I can’t stop complaining, and maybe I never would. My sorrows are the deepest for me; my problems are the biggest for me. I might be complaining about my job or the lack of it; while a few kilometers from here, someone must have lost their parents. I might stop and think about my frivolity for a day or so; and then come back to my life...life filled with complaints. Maybe that’s what reminds me that I’m still human. We surely are intriguing!!!

Relationship Expert

2010-02-10T23:45:00.004+05:30

Yes, a relationship expert - that’s what I have been. To elaborate, I mean to say that I have been someone with difficulties in creating, sustaining, coping with/not coping with and slaying relationships. For the difficulties in creating and sustaining, I used to blame myself; while for the difficulties in slaying them, I have always been blaming the people on the other side. But, I was wrong. I was responsible for killing them as well. It took a while though for this realization to daunt on me.

Of all the relations I’ve had so far in my life, none were initiated by me. Call it futility, lack of skill or a low sociability factor. It was simply difficult for me to kick start. I considered it my nature and still do so. How does it matter anyway? A relationship simply means a state of connectedness between peopleand it has nothing to do with who started off and who did not. It’s all about maintaining the so called connectedness.

Coming to the sustaining part, again the "people on the other side" did most of the job. What the hell do I do then?? I kill them. How??.... simple! Just by being me.

What my mind kept telling me till now was something like this.

"You know you are reserved, very choosy when it comes to friends, quality conscious and not quantity conscious. So you expect your choices to be utmost right. But you have failed miserably quite a few times or even more. What does that imply? Does it imply that your choices were wrong? Or does it imply that there is actually something wrong with YOU and only YOU? You expect the chosen people to understand you in and out, to behave accordingly, to love you for what you are and for what all you are not. The people who walk out of your life making you feel like a loser are losers themselves coz they don’t realize that they were the ones who were wrong and not you. You have always given the relations utmost priority and importance making sure that you adjust to the core, trying to understand and accept them as they are; providing them with strength, support and above all, love. Those people were selfish enough to use you for all what you were good at and then chuck you out coz you were no more useful; walking away towards greener pastures coz you weren’t green enough anymore. You are good, great and whatever you are... you are what you are. Whoever walks out, stick out your middle finger coz that’s all that they deserve. You will have your real friends around, the ones who love you without yardsticks, without reasons, without expectations. They will be with you…forever!"

Now... all of that is rubbish!! Absolute bullshit. I want to tell my mind what the truth is:

"You fuckin freakin idiot!! Realize this truth - that all what you think is wrong. I believe what you ask me to believe, not what I should actually believe. But now, you have to start believing the truth. I have been quality conscious -Agreed! I have been very choosy- Agreed! I've failed miserably - Agreed! It simply implies that I was wrong, not my choices. I expect people to understand me without letting out anything. I expect people to accept me however intolerable I am. People walked out, not because they were losers, but because I am a loser. I have never given the relations priority, I've never tried to understand them to the core, I ‘ve never adjusted for them. I’ve only wanted to adjust things around me for me. It has always been me, who walked towards greener pastures. It was me who chucked them out after use. I am irrationally possessive and illogically selfish and I can only stand by and watch people walk off, coz its me who made them walk off. I have always complained that people around me change... so much. But it was never them... it was me! And if they had changed, they did so coz I had. I will never let people stay coz I can repel them, with my words, my thoughts and eventually my actions. I’ve always wanted to take revenge for ending up as big loser, by showing them that I am with the REAL people! But, I will always be waiting for those people who are never going to come, who are never going to stay. Simply coz I don’t deserve. And of all the things you think about me, I am not what you think I am”

Hope my mind understands and realizes the truths. Afterall, its all about "give and take".

Zindagi...

2010-01-02T19:47:00.004+05:30

Jo zindagi hain.... woh ek sawaal hain

Jo sawaal hain.... woh dil mein hain

Jo dil mein hain.... woh kabhi zabaan tak nahin pohanchtha

Jo zabaan pe hain.... woh kabhi duniya tak nahin pohanchtha

Jo bol patha hoon.... woh koyi sun nahin patha

Jo sun pathe hain.... woh samajh nahin patha

Aur Jo samajhthe hain............ woh hasthe hain

Aakhir karoon kya mein??.... yaheen ek sawaal hain

Yaheen woh sawaal hain.... jo zindagi hain

Being me

2009-11-27T22:18:00.003+05:30

Frequent emotional blackouts; Persistent intolerance; Intermittent anger; Unstable thought process. These describe my state of being. It has been this way for sometime now.

This time there’s a change... I am not having a problem realizing all this. I am content this way and don’t wish to change with any effort. I don’t give a damn about what others think, how others feel. I am not at all bothered whether anyone is hurt. I am just so content... so bloody content... with everything around me. Happiest man on earth... I am! So fucking happy!!

Kuch dosth...

2009-10-31T21:30:00.009+05:30

I've never been good at making friends easily. I usually take a "lot of days" to get close to any"one". But today, something different happened. The reverse...the exact reverse!! I made a "lot of friends" in just "one day". Judie, Pretty, Dixon, Mili, Biscuit, Misty and Britney, to name a few. Their ability to make you fall for them, the depth of their affection, the truth in their love.... Hats off!!! Just wondering how shallow and superficial we humans are.

I should probably drop a note for someone other than the ones mentioned above for making me realize some small stuff...Love ya girl!!!

Close encounters of the "which" kind??

2009-10-09T21:11:00.005+05:30

I always knew that human race was so full of diversity. Each and every man out there including you, me and all of us are so much diverse...so full of variety. There are some people who actually surprise you... just because they are what they are...............Humans!!

The bracketed stuff are the lines that went through my mind (ONLY MY MIND)... can't even think of letting them out aloud at that time.

Excerpts:

Me: Good morning sir! May I help you?

Him: What are the offers??

Me: Pardon?

Him: The offers you are giving

Me: Shall we sit and talk sir? This way please...

Him: Tell me the offers first. Then we will sit and talk

Me: Sir... the offers vary from car to car

Him: The other dealer offered me all accessories free

Me: Which car are you planning sir?

Him: That is not the concern

Me: ((alright... I’ll give you four wheel cups and a set of seat covers. Wear the seat covers on your head, fix the wheel cup on your butt. After all.. what you need is accessories and not a car right??)) But sir... at least you must have some car in mind

Him: I am going to the other dealer!! Bye!!

ME: (silent) !!

Me: Good afternoon sir! May I help you?

Him: Who is your sales manager?

Me: Mr.X

Him: I want to meet him now

Me: Sure sir... but can I be of any help to you?

Him: No!! I wanted a car

Me: Sure sir... thats why WE (or I ) are here for

Him: I don’t talk to small people in any organisation. I always deal with only the heads

Me: Third cabin from the left sir

Me: Good evening sir! May I help you?

Him: I will complain to Maruti

ME: Errr...sir...what is the matter?

Him: I don’t have to explain anything to you. I’ll complain straight to Maruti

ME: But sir... we will help you. What is the matter?

Him: I am going to Maruti straight away

Me: ((err... to Gurgaon??)) But sir...

Him: Don’t utter a word. I’m leaving ( and walks off)

Me: ((then why the hell did you come here? Catch a flight... go to Gurgaon)) But sir...

Me: Good afternoon ma’am! May I help you?

Her: Where is Mr.Y (Administration Manager) ?

Me: Ma’am, he just left for lunch. How can “I” help you?

Her: Do you think you can help me with something the administration manager can do?

Me: Ma’am?? I was just....

Her: Don’t repeat something like this!!

Me: Errr... sorry ma’am (( but why the hell am I sorry??))

Her: Connect me to him... NOW!

Me: Just a minute ma’am...

Me: Good morning sir! May I help you?

Him: I want a vehicle!

Me: Sure sir... please be seated. ( I talk for half an hour... giving him all the stuff about all the cars available)

Him: (after listening patiently and silently and walking around seeing all the cars displayed) Well... I actually wanted a motorcycle

Me: Pardon??

Him: TWO WHEELER!!

Me: (silent)

Well... lifes interesting this way atleast!!

Some random figments of shit

2009-10-02T22:01:00.002+05:30

I have always been erratic and ludicrous... emotionally, mentally, psychologically.

I have always:

claimed to be strong...... but have actually been one among the weakest

claimed to be rational.... have been irresolute majority of the times

claimed to be a coward.. have been quite courageous when I should have been

claimed to be frank........ but always been dubious about my words

claimed to be caring....... have always been callous

claimed to have the ability to judge people... been an absolute duffer at it

claimed to be a fucker... have mostly been an asshole

I fear the future... probably because of my past.... but still like to call myself an optimist

I like to call myself an optimist.... but rather stick to being a cynic

I have never been able to tell people how I feel... even when I was supposed to do it... i haven't done it...and because of this, I have lost - things... relations... people... even my SELF at times, probably due to my character (or the lack of it). I don’t know how to behave... how to talk how to just be myself!!

I just hate to realize that things change... i just hate to realize that some things never change.

I hate to realize that there are things you cant undo... things you cant re-do.

I hate to realize that there are some things you can't choose... to realize that you can also choose what you want!! I don't make sense to myself...

I don’t know why i'm talking like this... just another piece of shit...(read as "my mind")

Maybe just the way I have always been.

Platoon-de-Office

2009-09-27T21:41:00.001+05:30

Thought of just listing down some stuff about the people (selected ones... yet to study the rest) around me... at The "office"!! I’ll just keep the names to short forms and nicknames... well... security reasons i say!!

Whom to start with??? Hmmm.... Alright will go alphabetically...

Achs : the only "girl" around... specs...lots of lipstick and hair with a tinge of brown. Well... not very appealing to the eyes as the words sound! Still, worth a time pass. Her major hobby is something like flirting (read romancing) with her Bf, who happens to be another character whose name will come up as you read further. Btw, this romance goes on through the intercom... mind it!!! The intercom!! Her ringtone... "Dil kho gaya... ho gaya... kisi ka..." Imagine having to hear this for a thousand times a day (all calls from the so called bf, calling from across the room). These chats are apart from that on the intercom. OOOFF... I don’t understand "romance"!!!!

Ajt : Maaa’aan... the REBEL... 6 feet 1 inch... 110 kgs minimum. Attitude !!! Attitude n Attitude... so much of attitude that you feel like giving him one tight slap each time you see him. So rude, unpolished, loud and commanding! Gives no damn! Doesn't care a heck about anyone...not even his seniors! He has his own rules, his own theories, his own ways... yeah... the TRUE rebel!!

Akosotho : 5 feet 2 inches, quite dark, has a tummy in such a way that I doubt he needs to look at the mirror if he needs to see his "thing". Self proclaimed leader cum guide cum head of the poor me. Nagging, unnecessarily authoritative, boringly boring. Takes 10 minutes to tell me something that shouldn't take 20 seconds. Sheer truth, no exaggeration... That’s the time ratio!!! I sometimes feel this guy is actually a bit... you know......

AnP : Haven't seen a guy so lean. One day when he sat on the driver’s seat of a Toyota Innova, the voice-over didn't actually tell him to put on the seat belt... seems it needs at least a detectable amount of weight on the driver's seat to voice an advice. Basically a soft guy, a victim of a lot of bad luck around him all the time... has a strange affinity towards unfortunate incidents!!

Jnto : One cool guy!! Knows hell lot about cars!! and has a funky humour sense... fun to be around him... just need to be with him for a minute to re-liven the sunken spirit!!

Girma’am : the only lady in the vicinity who looks and IS sensible, you know..the respectable type. There's some class to this lady, some refined touch. Glad I won’t lose touch with that kinda humans!!

ManK : well…always questions me why don’t I do this?? why DIN'T I do this?? why can't I do this?? when they must be things I have already done or the ones i would be doing then. Well...seniority...agreed!!!

Saj : the Ingleesh Guy!! Why do people try to show off what they are not good at?? I just don’t understand. What he spits is nothing close to English (alright, this is not something like I'm THE omnipotent in English language, but... he’s unbearable!!) Why can't he talk in simple language?? There is nothing like seniors shouldn't use their mother tongue as the mode of communication. Adamant...Maybe!!

SajAb : the narcissist. Is a gifted guy, still... he feels he is more than he actually is. Has one problem. Lifts stuff from movies, calls them his own quotes. Well... does he really think no other humans watch movies?? I donno… maybe coz I’m new to the premises!! Talks of everyone being ONE TEAM and the next moment says "the people in my team-X , Y n Z are perfect, I want all other "teams" to be as good as mine team. After one minute... "There should be only one team". ONE TEAM!! Yeah...rite!!

Security uncle's : One set of people i really feel sad about... Must be having a really terrible time alone at night and all... quite old age inflicted, a few are... I try as much as i can to help them and trouble them as minimum as possible... seriously poor men...I'm at least privileged than them!!

Slmsr : the perfect example of a big BOSS. Doesn't talk to subordinates, doesn't talk AT ALL. If at all he needs to, just gives out a sound like having constipation (Glorified constipation I mean), a heavy Hmmm… thats all he can deliver... Professionalism?? Maybe!!

Tmon : ahaa…the Lover boy… Achs' BF… gulf returned. Gold bracelet, gold watch, silk shirts mostly, but wears the same jean(s) everyday(well...yeah!!) . Attitude of "I don’t need this job to fill my pocket... er... wallet!! Very possessive about Achs... Doesn't like her laughing at my jokes... Arre... i don't intend any kind of flirting... just part of my humour sense ( Heeeheee!!)

Well... the entire thing might sound as if I am like one cool, smart, intelligent freak mocking every one around me. I was just being observant... Men notice flaws first right??

Bruised

2009-08-30T00:34:00.005+05:30

After driving around in the daft traffic for a long time, taking half n hour to cover something that would have taken no more than 3 minutes... I was totally messed up. And I mean Messed Up!! I waited at the traffic block (read “police controlled” traffic island) for a looong time... n then when my turn came, I took the car forward and from nowhere, one asshole on a Honda Activa overtakes from my left , takes a sharp cut to the right, and I see suddenly see this fucker waiting to be hit by my car. I screech my vehicle to a sudden halt. And I hear a loud bang. Oh yes... an auto rickshaw had comfortably rammed onto the rear of my car. All the world looking... including the police idiot... the Activa guy drives off coolly... Result?? My all new car has a biigg scratch, a bent and a dent on the rear pane. I am totally totally fucked up!! I’ve never had any accidents so far... I’ve never rammed my car onto any others. Even while I had been learning to drive, I had only managed to brush the sides of the car onto the walls of my cramped lane... that was all what I had managed in 3 whole years, even with my old omni. BUT dis.......... coz of no fault of mine... my new car... my all new car.... the sexy, sweet, all royal n regal babe... now sports a scratch. HOLY CRAP!!! HOLY SHIT!!! MY GODD!!! A scratch??? FUCK THAT CRAZY ASSHOLE!!!!!!!!! My mood is totally like shit... I’m swearing like hell inside (obviously not loud coz I have my mom next to me). I was out with her to buy clothes for some charity purpose... to be handed out to some institution... and that was where we were going. Aaaaaaaarggghhhhhhhhh!!!!! Fuck that asshole.. fuck fuck n fuck him... over and over from the front and the rear!!! Aaaaaaaarrrrrrrrggggggghhhh!!!!!!!

I don’t see the road or any other vehicles till we reach our destination...just driving blinded. Oh yes... I can be really crazzzy.

We reach the so called place... "Asha Bhavan", a government run institution for the rehabilitation of women. I dint go inside. Just took out all the bundles of those new clothes, kept it at the doorstep and just waited near “my car”.

Mom goes inside, talks to the authorities there... completes some formalities... hands over the clothes... and apparently goes inside...away from my view. Now... this place has an entire long balcony like veranda with grills. I look up for a moment. I see women... old n a few young... some very young... gripping the grill... resting their heads onto the metal frames... looking...in fact staring at me. Imagine about 20 odd women... staring at you from all directions from behind something that looks like a jail. They might be looking at some guy of their son’s age... brother's age... their age.

They might be missing someone... something... I do not know!

I feel so weird that I turn and walk to a distance where I cant see them and they cant see me. I had to wait for quite some time... Mom comes back and we drive back home. I dint give even a last look at that place.

On the way, mom tells me about the people there. 60 odd women inmates... discarded by their loved ones... or "family members" to be precise. Some are mentally retarded... some perfectly healthy but neglected by family due to some reason no one can explain. Few are victims of rape a few, of violence.

One woman was raped by her father in law... became pregnant.. and the kid she gave birth to was probably taken away(or even killed) from her even without her catching even a glimpse of her baby. She lost her mental balance and eventually reached this place after treatment with no one to take her back. Another woman was a teacher at a government school. She showed some signs of mental imbalance... all people including her husband ditched her. Another rape victim about whom I don’t wish to explain. A Brahmin woman kicked out of home coz she grew too old for her children. Loads of other women.. loads...each with their own stories. Mom obviously dint wait to hear all the stories.. she almost ran out... can't blame her!

They were once mothers who did everything for their kids... the very same kids who threw them out... for whatever tosh reason they give to justify themselves. All those women there, were bruised... eternally hurt and carried scathed minds n thoughts. Thinking of the lives they have ended up with. Yet... none of their faces seemed sad... in agony... in anger or in despair... all were calm... silent.

On the other side... I stood... swearing, spitting fire for just a scratch on the rear side of my car. How silly do I feel?? How trivial?? How inexistent does my pain and anger seem??

A very strange road to realisation.

Culpable.... I am.

2009-08-13T00:37:00.003+05:30

Even as I type this, I am still unsure whether I should be doing this... I am forced to think of why I need to do this… and... I don’t have an answer... if you are reading this; please pardon me if I’m hurting you again.

I should take myself back to my 6th grade… there was this girl with whom I used to fight, quarrel, shout and scream and in return she used to fight, quarrel, shout, scream, pinch, kick and poke (with a compass) me back. We couldn’t stay a moment without all that... We despised each other so much. N since we were “grown ups” capable of “emotional thinking”, “understanding” and “mature behaviour” at the age of 11… we forgot everything as soon as the school closed for vacation.

I din’t see her much for a few years. Time passed and we are brought back together into the same class in 11^th. I do not remember what happened in those few months… we were good friends by 12^th. And I do not remember what happened in the next few months… we were best friends. She wrote something like this in my autograph book:

You:

“Are a person who loves, but pretends to hate;

Are a person who cares, but pretends to be indifferent;

Have a heart that is dead to human emotions n passions;”

“You keep confessing that you can’t express love and care and stuff...unless you try... you can do nothing. Just try to show that you care... Naaaa… rudeness, arrogance and indifference are your surnames... Don’t change!”

We ended up in the same college as well. So, four years of college obviously made the bond the strongest...the strongest I ever had… the strongest that ever stayed…

Somewhere along the line, something happened. We were not talking to each other like we used to. We were not us. We din’t have any fights. We were just busy with each others stuff. Just busy!

Sometime in between she remarked

“I always had you around; always there when I needed you. You were with me all through; from the time I was 16 up till the recent past. You were first in my heart always, and whenever I counted my blessings, I used to count you twice.
You weren’t the kind to lavish me with affection or hang around with me sharing laughter. I needed your friendship. I was emotionally dependent on you. Totally! You helped me survive. And I wished and wished for years that I too could be of some use to you; just as you were to me. I was extremely possessive of you, thinking I knew you better than anyone else…
We were together for so long;”

The evening before she was to leave, we met at some place. Both of us and a few others. We sat there for sometime and then we parted. We dint even shake hands. She just ran off.

That night, I got a msg from her. “You have helped me a lot so far. But today, you just went over the edge. I had been debating whether to msg you or not; and I am. If I don’t say dis now, I will regret it forever. Did you have to spoil the last? You couldn’t have given me one last good memory. Until today, I regretted going away from u. but not anymore. You actually helped me wipe out my regret! Thanks a lot for all of it. All the help and all the shit!”

That was the first time in these years, she talked like that. I called her. She said “Please, I don’t want a fight before I leave… you just need to know that whatever you said sitting there hurt me to the limit……”

She left. After about 2 weeks she agrees to talk. And we talk for about an hour. Finally she says

“Please don’t think all this is happening just coz you said something that day; that was only the last straw on the heap that I had been accumulating for all these years. For all these years, you were hurting me with your words, your deeds, your actions, your lack of love, your lack of emotions. You kept on hurting me. You do not know how much I’ve cried for you, how much I’ve cried because of you. I was just being silent. All these years, I was just maintaining my dignity, my class by staying quiet. Not anymore. Never ever attempt to talk to me. Just leave me alone. I don’t want to live in perpetual terror of getting your call. Goodbye!”

All throughout I’ve said only what she had quoted. Not what I said, not what I did. All I know is that I have been the same for all these years… rude, arrogant, full of sarcasm, impassive, without any kind of love and affection. All I now know is that I killed the relation. I was never worthy of her, never deserved to be around her. But, she was all that I ever had; all that I was ever proud of; all that I felt was mine... All that I should never have had!

Rewind

2009-08-11T23:54:00.008+05:30

Just thought of setting the rewind mode... I had left this blog last October. So, a list of things I "would have" updated if I could have....

Oct 12 : new MOTO W388… a bit economic for its features even with its once in a while glitches. Very much a part of my life now... in a lotta strange ways!

Oct 17 : someone from school found an easy way out of life...

Oct 20 : a PC upgrade. The longest stretch of hassle free computing since 2002.

Oct 26 : Mumbai attack!! Nothing more to add bout it...

Dec 18 : night out for a first “combined study” effort overnight! Totally went berserk after that... Staying up beyond 12 at night for studying... havoc!! Slept at 2, wake up at 4, skipped breakfast and slept away in the exam hall... biological balance lost by noon!

Dec 22 : the first official “project discussion”. Became a "Mission" rather!!

Jan 09 : CAT out of the sack... ofcourse I had nothing to do with it... but found misery around me. Prompting the majority to “REPEAT” as they call it!

Jan 15 : GREAVES COTTON…nothing more...nothing less!!!

Feb 03 : first day as a part of the college team... me n BB?? Well... just need to owe a lot to a couple of guys!! Thanks champs!

Mar 17 : Albani fiasco...after 3 awesome Finals...Thanks to injured team mates and an offside goal...followed by a bit of lack lustre commotion... blah blah... wouldn’t want to be reminded!!

Mar 26 : RAGAM... well hell !!!! Some Adult competition, some broken arm and missing Shankar Mahadevan's show... clubbed with some one-time list of shits!! But still was wholesome awesome!!

May 05 :I-10. Felt very awkward upgrading from the "Old" buddy -Omni... Still miss ya!!

May 08 : Supposedly the last official working day of college!!!

June 05 : "course viva" as it is called! An exercise to test what all you haven't learned in the last 4 years!!!

June 12 : Finally someone steps into NID...

June 17 : someone else into Nagpur.

June 21 : Ran out of a "Posh" restaurant conveniently without telling the people there, who took time to arrange the tables for the big group. Actually, the host thought she was short of money only to later realise that money was all what she had.. Too late to have avoided the embarassement!!

June 22 : Someone again....to Ghaziabad.

June 23 to 25 : movie marathon. 3 movies in 3 days... passenger, new york n wolverine. Also, Terminator IV after 2 days.

July 20 : a lil trip to a lakeside with school fellows...

July 24 : Chennai!! and NIFT.. came back with heavy realisations!!

Aug 07: Infy "Kaalkuthal"

This thus makes this a digital diary!!!

Departure(s)

2009-08-08T01:13:00.005+05:30

This has been a season of departures... people just leave... just like that?? Well... no! well...yes!

Jacu left first... then gow... anji followed... ammu was a shock... maadan was gone... and jme the latest!!

It isn’t important how close you are with any of them... it isn't important how much time you had spent with them... it isn’t important where they are going... it isn’t important why they are going................ it’s just important to make yourself realize... they have left!!

Telephones... internet... what not? "Aap apno se door nahin..." like the ad goes... but still...

You can talk on the phone... the other person’s voice is going to be just the same... even now the voice is going to come from the other end of the phone only... but still...

You can chat... even now the words are going to appear on the same screen only... but still...

They can come over for holidays... but still... It’s the feeling...it’s the feeling that.... "Afterall......................."

Sometimes when they are far... you realise things that you din’t, when they were right next to you... you realise how much you love them... how much you miss them... howmuch you failed to tell them that they were special.

Sometimes it’s just that you are so much used to having them around that you fail to realise their importance... you fail to realise what they mean to you... but life has strange ways of teaching you stuff... strange ways indeed!!!

It feels too weird at times that though these things make you feel bad... they are not actually bad things that are happening... the ones who left... left for good... for the best!!

Like someone said- "This too will pass......"

Yes it will... par koyi is dil ko samjha yaar... dhimaag ko toh mein sambhaal letha hoon!!!

Ahem...

2009-08-06T01:16:00.002+05:30

Well... seems so weird to type looking at the screen after a long while. All the typing I did, had been confined to chat windows for sometime now... and so... lengthy sentences and paragraphs don’t seem like a bright idea. Still... just another starting trouble I would call it.

The "some time" lasted a whole nine months... took me some time... yeah!! some real time!! All I was capable of, was some bits of crap fiction. I never could come up with things happening around me... things happening to me... may be because my life had been so much unexciting and uneventful... or as I liked to look at it... and so I had to be content with my obtuse fiction.And then came a point of time when I just lost something along the way... something that made me feel like shit... something that made me not me... something that made me hate fiction... hate my fiction. Fiction needed SOME creativity... and creativity was all I missed... all I lacked!!

But... ironically... the past nine months have been probably the most eventful ones in my life...be it in a good sense, in a bad sense or in an ugly sense... whichever way. Those have been days which I could have and would have wrote about....... in style!!! Unfortunately that never appealed to me. I don’t know whether I’m making any kind of sense to anyone... (If at all there’s anyone sooo jobless that they are actually reading this). I am not making much sense to myself also... I just need to stop blah blah-ing!! If it’s as to why I decided to make a comeback NOW is what those jobless people are thinking of...... "OH... HELLO???... this is MY blog!! I write whenever I want... i quit whenever I want... I come back whenever I want!!!"

Sorry... was just trying to act too over-smart. Never mind... I just don’t want to delve in more into the intricacies that made me quit and that are making me come back or whatever!! Lets just keep it simple; I wish to get back to this... that’s all. And I’m doing it.

Now... the only problem is, I am not pretty sure of where to begin... n how to RE-start. I just need to gather and stack up stuff into an array first... into an organized form. That might take a while actually. But still, I’m happy I’ve made it this far... happy that I succeeded in making myself write again, atleast this much!! I took almost 84 minutes to type this much... pretty bad... I know... still.... a start's a start rite??

So... all I need is some time... to get back properly!! And I know someone is very happy to have me back here... It's none other than Me...Myself!!

Bye!

2008-10-12T19:41:00.004+05:30

Let me put it straight. I’m quitting this BLOG thing for sometime. And how to define the extent of this “some” time??... I have absolutely No idea. A day? a week? a month? One year? ... even longer than that or maybe even shorter than a week. I don’t know.

Is it those regular mood swings that I have?? Not really...I needn’t blow up something thaaat puerile to this extent.

Reason?? ....again... no idea.

*Inability to write??

*Lack of interest and intellect??

*Lack of purpose??

*Lack of motivation and inspiration??

*Lack of creativity??

Or is it something like a Cheap Publicity Stunt??

No idea...I initially thought of deleting this blog...but thought I shouldn’t go that far and ruin the ruins.In Simple words...no more nonsense...no more deep shit...no more crap for some time. [By the way I just deleted my previous post]. Why all this?? Sorry. Don’t know.

If any more questions as to Why?? My only reply………BYE BYE!!

Scribbled Philosophy

2008-09-08T01:02:00.007+05:30

There are a few things in life which takes more than 50 years to realize... but there are also a few which we realize in 20 odd years... I too did...these are not mere proverbs or sayings that i have copied down and compiled from some place...these are something I had been scribbling down for a few years...All needn’t make sense to you people..and I don’t know whether any great personality has said this before anywhere anytime...if at all...Great Men Think Alike!!!

A few things about me...

*I admit my mistake only after defeat

*I speak in simple words coz of the complications within

*I am not lazy; I just lack interest in working

*I don’t believe in anything unless it is rejected

*If I will not be able to make u understand, I will say- “I dint understand”

*The validity of my explanation is decided by your lack of knowledge

A few things I can’t digest...

*When someone says to me "I can pacify you only with my own problems"

*When u are losing out on an argument, strategically join your opponent’s side.

*You can speak authoritatively only when you are full of pride

*To earn respect, always pretend to be busy

A few things about success...

*If you speak as if you know, people will accept it even if it’s wrong

*If you learn to sell sand at a beach resort, you are a businessman.

*Your skill lies not in taking advantage of circumstances, but in not letting others know about it.

*Talk to idiots, you WILL gain self confidence

A few questions I always ask myself...

*Are exams conducted to find out what we don’t know?

*When you are fed up not being fed up,what will you do?

*Is confusion a dual between your own decisions?

*Is foolishness the process of getting trapped in circumstances created by yourself?

*Is confusion always the first step in studies?

*Do you remember having forgotten anything?

A few tips for lazy bugs...

*The things you postpone are the ones that have starting trouble

*The first stage of feeling relaxed is the realization that there is nothing you can do

*We become lazier when we have more work

*Its better to postpone things than never do them

*To escape from one job, assign another job

*Clever opinions always help you to avoid assignments

A few tips in relationships...

*To not lose interest in something, stop doing it for long

*People reject you more if you do things in a better way

*Never grow so big that you can’t make yourself small

*The problems whose solutions are known are the toughest to solve

*Older problems are weakened only by newer ones

*Jealousy is the lack of ability to do what others can do

*If you don’t want to lie, try not knowing the truth

*You will need to explain simple things more

*Always be sincere...even when you are not

And finally a tip for all…

*Never read Crap!!!

Tagged?? What is that?

2008-09-03T11:59:00.003+05:30

I’ve come across the "tagged" thing in a few other blogs during my "10 second visits"(yeah...i don’t stay longer than that on any blags). I seriously CANT read. Unless a few people Desperately carry out AGGRESSIVE MARKETING and force me to READ.Coming back to "tagged" thing. I could kinda infer this was something like a "Slam Book" crap (yeah...school days...autograph...blah blah) Or perhaps a get away post if an author is running short of any new ideas or thoughts (or whatever u call it). Or might even be the basic human curiosity to squeeze out Other’s Choices, likes and dislikes...Whatever!! Getting into the "tagged” thing...

I am: a lot of things I never wanted to be. I’m handsome, rich, popular, creative, talented….Gosh! Any girls out there interested in this Guy of your Dreams???

I think: about what I never achieved rather than what I did achieve

I know: what you can’t even dream of knowing

I want: to live like animals..careless and free like animals...I want to live...I want to run through the jungle, the wind in my hair and the sand at my feet (Savage Garden-Affirmation..."The Animal Song") couldn't come up with anything else.sorry!

I have: a pink polka dotted underwear with an elephant’s pic in the "front"...HA! What do you think?

I wish: I was not this good looking...yeah! good looks are not exactly a boon

I hate: to read

I miss: mySELF

I fear: everything (the only thing that can't frighten me these days are Ramgopal Verma’s horror-flicks)

I hear: what I choose to hear(though, not practical always)

I smell: anything my nose can pick up and what my brain can identify

I crave: for...U know...Yeah...That...Exactly!!!

I search: for........ I don’t know

I wonder: how every other guy around me has a girlfriend

I regret: having thought good about lot of people who never even deserved such a consideration

I love: to sleep (that’s what my mom says)

I ache: when the ones I loved, hurt me

I was not: what I am now...I was nothing

I am not: what people think I am...I’m much worse

I cry: when nobody’s around...(boy's don't cry??)

I believe: in negativity

I dance: not even in my dreams. I’m better off without that

I sing: always...my neighbours have even lodged a police complaint for this matter. They don't realize their mistake. Someday when I win an award for my "vocal talents"...you can see them on TV..."Oh..he's such a great singer, right from childhood, and we used to encourage him the most" CRAP!

I read: only when a movie is coming up on the particular piece of literature

I don’t always: win arguments...maybe,once I lost.....to Myself

I fight: with the guy inside me

I write: Crap

I win: over the hearts of girls...(contradicting with I wonder..)

I lose: my identity...(at times)

I never: hurt the ones I love (at least i don't wish to...)

I always: feel that "mera number bhi aayega"

I confuse: myself!!

I listen: to people’s advice...I didn't say I follow them

I can usually be found: doing nothing

I am scared: of virtually everything around me,inside me and...ME

I need: brains

I am happy: with nothing

I imagine: everything I force myself to believe in

I Tag: What? Don’t even think about it...I’m not interested in "tagging" anyone

Princess Diaries - Episode III

2008-08-25T20:11:00.011+05:30

I was in a pretty messed up state. A girl (again, the real one) would have (or might have, I’m not sure) problems with her first period. But at least a voice within could say- "you are a girl and this is a part of nature’s laws". But what the bloody shit am I?? A girl outwardly and a guy within?? How the hell is THAT part of nature’s law?? How the hell am I supposed to pacify myself??? Mentally, emotionally, psychologically and all kinds of "—ally" except physically... I was a bloody guy!! Then suddenly I realized. There was no point in begging for mercy. I had to face it, and I decided to face it. Cyclopam - maybe that was meant for abdominal cramps. Swallowed one without water. After a few minutes, I began to feel better. I was about to step onto the so-called "Threshold of Womanhood".Pretty anxious about how things would proceed, about what I would need to do etc etc made me too uneasy. And This time, I was determined about NOT going to mom. Then I was reminded. I should be prepared. Prepared well for the battle. Battle against a totally unknown enemy. I went to my cupboard and obviously Mr. God had purchased a pack of sanitary napkins for me (don’t wish to reveal the brand and promote their sales. The time is that they could even use this as a marketing stunt- "Even girls turned boys are Using OUR Product" CRAP!!). I read the instructions on it (yeah, they do have instructions printed) and even carried out a "Dress- Rehearsal". Then came the MOMENT... IT had begun. I don’t wish to enlighten you people about the details. (Coz, girls don’t need it and guys...you are better of NOT knowing it) I would only say that it wasn’t as easy and a tidy affair like "Pouring a squirt of blue ink onto a pad" (as they show in the ads of napkins). It was an absolute disaster for me(again emotionally, mentally, psychologically etc etc). But, I was quite happy with my Management skills. I went to sleep without much of a "physical" mess.

The following week was in fact the most treacherous and disastrously irritating week of my life. I remained totally, uncontrollably irritated with myself and with others around me. Though I used only dark colored Salwar Kameez that whole week, I was still constantly self-conscious, always worried about whether any Wardrobe (read as napkin) Malfunctions would happen. I was so damn conscious that I maintained at least One-arm-distance with guys. I was in an absolute shit mood, fighting and arguing with people at college for the slightest of things. N I was busy too… Changing pads, maintaining "Cleanliness and Hygiene" (as a health magazine suggested…Yeah! I did a bit of research too during that week) blah blah blah. Adding to my woes, we had a compulsory one-day camp near the outskirts of the city (now, don’t ask me what camp? coz that is irrelevant here). Ma’an...The totally disgusting state of Public Ladies Toilets. I was so bloody shocked to see that. How miserable it must be for them (women, who have been women all through), while traveling, while away from home - especially during THOSE days, as they call it (No, as WE call it). I was even more surprised to know that nothing is being done to change this condition. Women were merely adjusting and adapting themselves to those Insane conditions. I too had to.

By the end of that week, (Mr. God seemed to have no intentions of undoing this change) I was almost dead. Tired of a terrible life. Tired of all those Men’s OBSESSIONs. Tired of all those "Period" Tantrums. Tired of a WOMAN’S LIFE. I said to God (or rather shouted) – "I am beginning to understand women more than ever. I am beginning to respect women more than ever. I am beginning to admire women more than ever. Accepted!!! Now I’m aware that Women are truly Your MASTERPIECE creations and that it is not easy being a woman. Accepted!!! You showed me the other side of being a woman. You made me realize how it feels to be on the other side of life. You made me realize how much endurance women have or need to have. Well and Good. But wasn’t there any other way to show me all this??? Wasn’t there any other alternative for You to enlighten me about a woman’s world??? At least, I was not one of those guys who treated women like the Hero of that Crap movie... still u made me a woman. Just because I wanted to prove being a woman isn’t that difficult??? Excellent!!! But, there is just one thing I want to ask You. I’ve asked for an imported sports bike before, with all the detailed specifications and requirements along with the total on-road price, so that it was easy for you to deliver it to me. Did You fetch me that??? At least, did u fetch me an average Indian bike??? I’ve asked for a Ferrari before, Did You fetch me that??? I’ve asked for a beautiful girl friend before, with specific details of her character. Did You fetch me that??? At least, someone like the DIYA I am rite now??? (Now, God! I don’t mean You need to fetch me a Boy-Girl Hybrid like Diya as a girlfriend...I only meant someone at least as beautiful as her). Did You ever fetch me anything I’ve asked for??? Then why just this bloody wish??? Ha! Why am I even asking You all this? GOODNIGHT".

Next morning, the reflection in my mirror was not that of a girl. I was not at all moved. It was just another mirage Mr. God wanted to fool me with. OR was it really ME??? Am I back to "Original"??? I rubbed my eyes 6 times, each time with extra force. I washed my eyes 3 times with cold and warm water. Just to convince myself, it wasn’t a dream. NO...it wasn’t... I WAS BACK!!! I again peeked into my pyjamas...My "Manhood"...YIPPEE!!! My chest (yeah...CHEST) was flat again. I felt like the room was spinning around me, exactly the way it had spun on a black day the previous week, but this time it felt better, a million times better. It felt sooo sooo sooo damn... GREAT (I actually do not have enough knowledge in English Literature to explain my feelings). But still, I carried out the "Usual" Procedure and went to mom, dad and sis for official confirmation. Checked my cupboards to find my favourite Jeans, T-shirts and Shirts back in place. Checked my bathroom to find my Gillette Shaving Set, Brylcreem Gel, and Axe Deo. Never before did the word "BHAIYYA" sound so sweet and melodious to my ears. Never before did it feel so good to hear my name being called by mom n dad. Never before did it feel so good to see my clothes (special mention – MEN’S underwear). Never before did it feel so good to see my own reflection in the mirror. Never before did it feel so good JUST BEING a GUY. Just then, the Greedy Human within me woke up. Ran to the balcony and looked down- There was no Ferrari; There was no sports bike; Only one wish of mine had been granted. Still...I was the happiest man on earth. Yeah!! happiest MAN.

Nobody looked at me on my way and also at the bus stop. I stood on the foot board ("Backdoor") to college. I was so happy that day that I was smiling all the way to college. College too, never appealed to me so much before. No heads turned my way. No eyes were stuck onto my chest. It also meant that I no longer needed to accompany Pooja to the Loo. No longer would I have to fight with my "monthlies". I was FREE.... FREEDOM- Now i know WHAT it really means. As I sat in the class listening to the boring lecture, Ms. Savithri came into our class along with a girl. A fair girl with thick black hair upto her shoulders, good eyes (in fact great eyes), nice lips, a sharp nose, quite a good body shape with kinda wonderful "Assets" up there and also at the Rear (Oh…Did it ever mean that I am not even supposed to LOOK at girls??) Ms. Savithri said, "Friends, we have a new admission. This is Diya...."

Princess Diaries - Episode II

2008-08-22T16:42:00.015+05:30

The sun was hot outside. It was even hotter "inside" me. God!! What all was waiting out there for me??? I slowly reached my gate, and got onto the road. Started walking slowly, with my head turning around like a satellite to look at other's reaction on seeing me. Most of the people were too engrossed with their stuff even to even look around, except for a few guys here n there, who were "nudging" the ones who hadn’t seen me coming. I could feel a few heads turn my way as I passed them. I reached the bus stop and waited for the 12-D bus (the one I boarded to get to college, whenever I was late... is ALWAYS). Aha! 12-D slowed down in front of me. The ladies (original ones) started boarding via the front door and the men (fortunately, still men) via the back door. My natural instincts guided me towards the back door. I almost needed a few seconds to realize my mistake. Corrected myself (I could clearly see the face of a few guys’ wilt) and boarded via the front door. Aha! There I was, in the midst of young, beautiful girls and good-looking women (n not so good looking also). Though the idea sounds good, it wasn’t a very pleasant experience at all. I somehow felt odd being out there. Don’t know what the exact feeling was like, but certainly I was not comfortable there. I would have enjoyed my way to college if the same thing had happened when I was a guy, but NOT now. Why So?? Didn’t know. Was I beginning to think and feel like a woman? So fast?? Naa...

Somehow, I reached college.There were hundreds of questions inside me... What would happen with my friends? Who would I hang out with? and lots of other questions. But, obviously, if God could do this much, he would definitely have made the necessary arrangements at college too. College seemed as usual as it was, more students were outside, rather than inside the classes. I started looking for familiar faces...None were to be seen. In the meantime I could LIP-READ a few guys “ Arrae Yaar! SHE is coming”. So, I was a much admired SHE at college. It felt good actually, good to know that I had quite a bit of fan following. But that feeling dint last too long. I was becoming a bit conscious about the fact that those guys were “SCANNING” me like an X-Ray machine, top to bottom, with specific interests in CERTAIN areas. I mean...its okay, coz when I was a guy, I was no saint but...isn’t there something called Limit? As I was walking past more guys, (actually, I found it pretty amazing that I was not even bothered about the existence of the section called “Girls”...I was walking past sooo many...n many I used to drool over. But now...). I was getting more and more disgusted with them and myself... I mean, looking (Staring to be precise) at IT and only IT for such a long time...till I’m out of their range of vision... Yuck!! At some point of time I felt so furious that I wanted to go to a guy and shout “FOR HEAVEN’S SAKE, STOP LOOKING AT MY *OO*S AND LOOK AT MY FACE AT LEAST ONCE IN A MINUTE”...but, I did nothing. It felt kind of weird. Though I never overdid my "Bird watching" phenomenon during a "guy’s" tenure, I was realizing how it would feel to be at the receiving end.

I somehow managed to find my friends- Tarun, Zubin, Shwetha and Pooja. “Hi Diyaaa...” A chorus welcomed me. At last, some place I could sit without being over-conscious. I wanted to tell them what all has actually happened to me and who I actually was...but “Nature’s Law” had to be intact. N even if I told them anything...the reactions were obvious. Had quite a good time with them as usual. We attended the classes till lunch and got out. After lunch, Pooja wanted to go to the Loo. She called me too. "Y should I accompany you?? I don’t want TO...U go n come”. “Arrae, kya yaar? We always go together na?” All right... I dint want to argue. I reluctantly went with her. It was okay so far with the company of women being a woman. But why the hell did she want me to go along?? No one would eat her up on the way. No one could help her with the "Act" she was going to perform, she had to do it herself, still...y??? I waited for her outside. On our way back, Shwetha joined us. Suddenly they started giggling and asked me “Didn’t u go to your Boyfriend today?? He seems to be off-color...” and kept on giggling. WWHHAAT??? I HAD A BOYFRIEND??? When I had been a guy for 20 odd years I didn’t manage to get even one girlfriend, n now just within one day...A BOYFRIEND?? I asked them stuttering “ Wh...wh...where is he??” N they pointed towards a guy near a tree. Thick black round glasses, hair oiled with one whole bottle of cooking oil, big round nose, moustache looking much like the whiskers of a cat, shirt tucked in, his trousers put somewhere high above his waist (upto almost his chest) and hardly seemed to reach upto his ankles, n he was wearing yellow bathroom slippers (I mean, dressing sense is everybody’s personal matter, but STILL...). Was THAT my boyfriend?? That was tooo unfair! I was so shocked to see that and maybe seeing my reaction they (still giggling) said “ Sorry, yaar...we know it irritates you, but... it’s so funny,the way he always looks at you...” Oh! So he wasn’t my boyfriend after all, just some silly fan...just a guy, my friends always linked me with...THANK GOD! At least, God wasn’t that Unfair.

That day at college somehow went without much problems, the only noticeable difference being that I had spent more time with girls than boys. It was time to go home. I boarded the 13-D bus. It was full as usual. I somehow managed to reach the middle of the bus, almost where the women’s crowd ended and men’s started. After some time I found out that one man (late 40’s) was trying to get too close to a girl and it seemed to be purposeful. The girl was feeling really uncomfortable and it was obvious from her face. She looked pretty scared to react. And surprisingly, other women had seen that too. Yet, none of them were reacting at all. The man was in fact getting encouraged and was beginning to worsen his deeds. I felt a sudden gush of adrenaline (yeah, adrenaline) and slapped the man and shouted“ WHAT THE BLOODY HELL ARE YOU DOING?? MOVE AWAY FROM THAT GIRL, YOU SCOUNDREL!!” I was still a man inside, I didn’t lack any guts. No one expected a “Girl” to react that way (that was what I could infer from the reactions of everyone in the bus). The man was taken aback by surprise and all the bloody pleasure he had gained out of his act vanished. I continued “AREN’T YOU BLOODY ASHAMED OF YOURSELF?? THAT GIRL IS NOT EVEN HALF YOUR AGE AND WHAT SHIT ARE YOU DOING TO HER??” I suppose, I inspired other ladies and he earned 3-4 more slaps from women in the vicinity. By this time, the bus had stopped and the other men in the bus took over. Everyone got out of the bus and the men were thrashing him. A policeman nearby had seen this and came over... It took some time for the commotion to settle down and finally the man was taken away in a jeep. People around me were looking at me with awe. I felt like walking through an applauding crowd in Slow motion (Filmy style!!!) But that didn’t happen, people weren’t clapping; all that was compensated though... the girl gave me a smile, a smile that was thousand times more valuable than a thank you, a smile i would always remember. I felt so damn proud of myself. I suddenly noticed that the bus had stopped just few meters ahead of my bus stop. I walked home with a great sense of satisfaction that I did something… Not that I protected a girl, not that i taught a man (not exactly worthy enough to be called so) a lesson... But that I REACTED-Something we are forgetting these days.

That evening as I lay on my bed... I was thinking of a few aspects concerning womanhood:

Y are men so much obsessed with *OO*S???
Y do women always need company to the Loo???
Y is it that women hold themselves back even when it comes to the protection of fellow women???

Just as I lay thinking about all these questions that had no answers till date, I felt a sudden pain in my lower abdomen. It was quite a disturbing pain...something like abdominal cramps. I tried adjusting, but even after half an hour, when I found that the pain had no intention of leaving, I went to mom. “Mom...don’t know why... But my stomach isn’t feeling good. I have never felt such a stomach pain before...it feels so different a pain" She said casually “ Oh...you have it every time before your periods na? Just have a Cyclopam tablet as usual”.

GODDDD.........NOT THAT..........HAVE SOME MERCY LORD...... DO YOU REALLY WANT ME TO HAVE MY "MONTHLIES"????. I AM HARDLY ONE DAY OLD AS A GIRL AND.........PLZZZ GOD........ ANYTHING ELSE BUT NOT THIS...

TO BE CONTINUED...

Princess Diaries - Episode I

2008-08-15T15:55:00.007+05:30

Finding out how badly I wanted to go to bed after such a sick movie (its okay what the makers intended to bring on screen, but definitely not what Actually came)... i did exactly that-went to bed.

The crap movie had a man change into a woman (supposedly HOT,but rather Cheap looking) overnight and makes her (him) suffer for the atrocities he showered upon womanhood...Blah Blah...

By the way, the movie actually had started to make me think... about what would happen to me in such a situation. Curious, I asked god...I just wanted to see what would happen... can U plz??...Try?? Just for a little period of time...just try. Don’t underestimate Your abilities...U can... i just want to convince myself...it isn’t THAT difficult being a woman.

Ha! I thought...if god would listen to me just like that...i would have been THE most happiest man wed to Katrina Kaif, spending my honeymoon with her at the HAWAII... n loads of other nonsense!!!.Said goodnight to Mr. God and slept off!!!

"Good morning dear...u r late...get up".I slowly opened my eyes to see my mom.Late?? Am I?? All rite!!

I stood up and went to do the first thing I usually did,go to the mirror and comb my hair.

WHAT THE HELL??????????

Cummon God,u know that I wasn’t serious......NOOOOOOOO NO NO!!!!!!!

Of all my prayers and requests, u had only this one to grant. There stood a fair girl with thick black hair upto her shoulders, good eyes (in fact great eyes), nice lips, a sharp nose, quite a good body shape with kinda wonderful “Assets” up there (n also at the Rear). Overall,a girl with above average looks. I loosened my pyjamas n peeked inside...NO....NO....NO!!!

"THE THING" had gone....instead there was "IT"!!!!

The fact that I was enjoying a beautiful girl’s presence right in front of my eyes soon gave way to the Hardcore Reality that it was ME!!! I felt like the room was spinning around me. What was going to happen to me? Then, I suddenly realized, Ha!I’m just dreaming, otherwise mom would have screamed when she came to wake me up. Still, I’ll confirm it. I went (ran) to the kitchen."Mom, Do you see ANY sudden difference in me"??...CRAP,my voice was sweet.She looked at me and said, "NO...Y"?? I was like, oh,all right,"nothing, just asked". I then went to dad..same reactions, then to my sis...the same reactions again. Just as I was leaving my sister’s room, she said, "Deedi, you are looking very beautiful today". I almost screamed at her "WHAT"????? "DEEDI"??? BEAUTIFUL???...till yesterday, I was your Bhaiyya and overnight, Deedi...n that too beautiful,not Handsome"???? She said "Deedi...tum bhi naa, kabhi kabhi bohath funny ho...”

"Funny??? what the hell is so funny about it"?? "U mean, I look like a girl to you"??? "Shut up Deedi...and go have your bath,you are already late for college"

So...it was not funny anymore, nor was it a dream.I had actually changed into a FEMALE HOMOSAPIEN!!! SHIT...this is so damn unreal.

Trying to calm myself down, I went to my room. Took a few deep breaths and opened the door to my wardrobe. WHAT THE HELL?? My T-shirts, jeans, tracks...nothing...all gone.Instead, there lay loads of Salwar Kameez in different colours, lots of skirts- knee length, full length, Pink t-shirts, Embroidered jeans, kurtI’s…what not?? On opening the next partition,I almost fainted...there they were...Lace camisoles-black, white, cream...one was violet, one purple...n den...bras, lot of them, majority white and black and there was a blue one and a red one too. Underwear (it was no longer eligible to be called so...panties I guess!!)

Mr. God had done a bit too much of shopping for me.

All right, I decided, if this is a challenge I’ll face it.Determined, I took a black Salwar Kameez, n the "OTHER COMPONENTS",all in black (symbolic representation of my bewildered blah blah...) and stepped into my bathroom.

There too, as I expected, Dove soap, Pantene Shampoo, Garnier Hair conditioner, Veet Hair removal cream, Ponds Moisturizer and lots of other Girl stuff. I sighed...no point complaining,I asked for it. I took off my clothes...and my personal reactions to what I saw was too graphic to be described in here...all u need to know is "I just had my First Bath as a female"!!! My bath definitely took lot more time,coz I had decided to try out the shampoo, conditioner etc etc...I took one whole hour for the thing I used to take maximum 15 minutes as a GUY...sigh!!

Then came the next part,dressing up.God!I never knew dressing up was so damn tedious...First "THEM" n then "THEM"...n blah blah...blah.

Till yesterday, I hardly took 2 minutes to put on my t-shirt n jeans, n Now...

Still...I thought, I would learn with experience. Luckily, God dint give me long hair,so that part was manageable.

Checked my bag...books, sunscreen lotion, a comb, a lil' mirror n a purse (pink one with pearls). God had kept everything ready for me.I thought, Why the hell do u need to take all that to college??? Never mind.

Finally I ended my “Getting Ready For College Procedure” by 9:30 after i had a little fight with my "Moderately" heeled sandals.I would miss my first hour.Ha!who cared?? Or did being a girl mean I had to be there on time?? I wasn’t sure!!

"Bye Dad..." He replied,"Bye,My Princess..." "Bye Mom..." The reply came "Bye Diya"...Wonderful!!I had forgotten about that aspect...My name...Diya. Nice name, I thought. So, that meant, this is going to be an entirely new lease of life for me. Mr. God had changed every single thing accordingly. Where does he have this much time???...to change the entire system around me, just coz of my prayer...Great!! I reached the main door. Out there, a Whole New World was awaiting me.A completely different world. I opened the door, took a deep breath, n stepped out....

TO BE CONTINUED...

Hurray...My first Poem!!!

2008-08-12T16:49:00.006+05:30

I think got a little bit distracted during the previous post...got a bit serious, i suppose. Sorry!! to forget all that,I myself came up with a poem. First in my life!!!

N I was so amazed to see the talent subdued within me.I was (AM) a good poet too.Not praising myself and overdoing it...here it is.

Dawn came...

Then Dusk...

Again came Dawn...

Followed by dusk...

Whoa..again Dawn...

Shit!!Dusk again...

Sorry!!! this process doesn’t seem to end...so stopping my first poetically ecstatic creation.

Somewhere I Belong...

2008-08-06T21:09:00.004+05:30

Think of something like this - you are on an island, an island very near to the nearest piece of land, say about 2 kms of sea. U can’t swim; or to be precise u r not supposed to swim. You have no boats, rafts or any means of so called transport to get you out of there. You fulfill certain CRITERIA, you will automatically be shifted to the place of your dream...yeah, Just like that!!! U are not alone on that piece of land...u have loads of company. The Criteria that would get you out of the island is/are as follows [satisfying one condition WOULDN’T do. Fulfill ALL - you r out of There].

*U have to be a fraud - amateur or professional, doesn’t matter.

*U have to be a liar - (white or black), u should lie like hell.

*U have to betray at least 3 people on the island (appreciated if they r ur best friends)

*U should be selfish to the core. U, U n only U exist...rest, BULLSHIT!!!

*U should be the biggest A**HOLE around and still pretend that you are THE ANGEL of this millennium.

Difficult?? Or Easy?? How many would have escaped from the island?? how many still there??

The answer is obvious - I was the only one who escaped. I’m sitting in front of my laptop typing this coz I was out of there.

Here, I sit with a Proud smile, with sympathy for each of the idiots trapped there...left to die out there, coz they wanted to Uphold their beliefs, to fight for what they thought was ( or still Think is ) right, coz they felt their principles were more important than their life, coz in today’s world they were the last specimens belonging to that category of a TRUTHFUL HUMAN...a TRUE HUMAN.

Silly idiots!! When will they ever realize that getting out of the island was not the point? It gives u lessons...lessons of how to live in this world...lessons of how to survive...how to conquer...how to Be THE REAL WINNER!!!
Pity...Pity!!!!

Suddenly I’m woken up from my dream. Not knowing what that dream exactly meant, I look up and see bright stars in the sky.
I rubbed my eyes and stood up, looked around...

I was alone on the island.

Why ME, Lord...Why???

2008-07-28T17:10:00.013+05:30

Dr.Vasudev (name changed), came back to his room and sat opposite to me on his enormous arm chair. He had my reports with him.

I asked painfully, " How many days more do I have, doctor??? "

He dint say a word. I could read the blank look on his face. I was determined not to cry, though the Herculean task of suppressing all the agony I had inside was mounting like hell.I never wanted to ask him anymore questions...but suddenly,I lost control...

"I don’t want to die doctor...i just don’t want to die now..." I was crying like I had never done before.I broke down and brought out everything I had inside.

" Why did God do this to me?? What sin had I done?? I never fought with anyone. Never made anyone cry, never hated anyone. Still...Y??

I never smoked, never tasted even a drop of beer. I never took to drugs.I never watched porn. I never did anything that God would punish me for.

When all my friends around me smoked packets of cigarette sitting next to me, when all my friends drank barrels of rum, whiskey and what not?...I used to ask them " Y do u spoil your life and health??? "

They used to reply, " Fun is the core of life, Boy "

I dint want that core of life...N now, who will live longer???...THEM!!!

Why ME, God...Why???

I always gave importance to my family...my mom, my sis. The sudden demise of my father few years back had left the whole burden on my shoulders n I am sure that I’ve carried out my duties well till date. While all my friends enjoyed - holidaying...partying...I was always engrossed in looking after my family, taking care that my mom never felt, dad wasn’t there. Taking care my sister dint cry a single day. Still, Why ME, God...Why???

What will happen to them after I leave? God will take care of them???

Which God??? The very same God who is perhaps THE most unfair judge now??? The very same God - who is punishing someone like me???

I studied well...coz I wanted a good job, I wanted to take care of my mom, i wanted to give my sister the best life possible. When my friends went around with their girlfriends, doing every single sin they could do, i never even looked at a girl...or perhaps, I dint want to. I always thought about my mom n sis.

Still…Why ME, God...Why???

What about all the dreams I had seen for my sister??? What about all the comfort I wanted to give my mom??? God...PLEASE give me some more time...please God...just some more time.

Doctor, u tell me...What did I do to be punished to this extent??? Tell me doctor, WHY IS GOD DOING THIS TO ME????"

I had been speaking without even a pause to breathe. I was crying aloud, crying my heart out. The doctor sat with the same blank expression he had before. He dint speak a word. He just sat silently with a strange look in his eyes.

I stood up, tried controlling my tears...n almost succeeded. I wiped my face n said, "I'm Leaving..."I dint say anything more...just left his room.

Just as I stood outside his door, I gave him one last smile. He dint smile back.

He sat staring at me.What could he say???...n justified enough.

After all, what was I putting up such a drama for? For just a silly old teeny weeny GAS TROUBLE??? CRAP!!!

AN PREFACE

2008-07-26T12:30:00.017+05:30

This is essentially an escapist’s first scripture. The preface to be delivered has just risen up, not out of necessity but out of insecurity, the very same pressure that the black world around me pushes me towards...

Ahaaaa......looks like a defeated homosapien’s totally crestfallen lyrics,SORRY!!!That’s just not what’s in store.I’m here for some total nonsense - some, which could mean sense to a few, some which could mean nonsense to a few, some which could mean sense to none.

But before all that, a few guidelines (and a few explanations too) to the readers (if any )

First the explanations, why I decided to come in here???

* Coz Amitabh Bachchan and Aamir Khan are blogging.

* Coz Aamir Khan and Amitabh Bachchan are blogging(just to satisfy both Aamir’s n Bachchan’s FANS. Else, Bachchan fans would ask why Aamir’s name came first n vice verse.Plzz...I Don’t want any controversies right away!!!

Hey! I know I’m just overdoing things...sorry!!!

Coming to the point.I’m not here to impress anyone, not here to insult anyone, not here to convince anyone, not here to do anything to others.

Then why??? Oh! I know you aren’t even interested in knowing it...but pleaaase people, for my satisfaction.I’m just here just to explode all the nonsense within me.

Now about the guidelines...

Beware!!!

A totally weird Literary havoc could be in store and that's coz my “Literary Horizons” are not wide enough for all the decorative usages and imagery and all those complicated words whose meaning no one else other than the user knows.

Kindly bear with me for all the mistakes and literary shortcomings you would come across(Coz if you don’t....Still I DON’T CARE!!!)

Then if you ask me, " Then y, so much of explanations and introduction???"

Hey, I Had to write some crap; couldn’t come up with something worse. As u see, my abilities are limited.

OKAY, OKAY. I know I’m just stretching this too much. Will stop for now, but, keep this much in mind - Be Prepared For Ultimate Crap!!!

P.S: I’m not that an idiot that i dint notice that there's an "AN" before "Preface".